1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:37,254 [whooshing] 4 00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,257 [upbeat music playing] 5 00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:41,606 Okay, here goes. 6 00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,391 I'm Justine Alice Parker. 7 00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:45,523 I live at 58, Zealand Road. 8 00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:48,787 I've got 18 pairs of knickers, 14 pairs of shoes, 9 00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,093 not including trainers. 10 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,964 -[camera clicks] -I'm an Aries. 11 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,575 I'm a vegetarian. 12 00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:55,359 Sort of. 13 00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:58,406 And I'm a virgin. 14 00:00:58,449 --> 00:01:00,799 -[camera clicks] -Sounds so terminal, doesn't it? 15 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:02,888 "Virgin." 16 00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:04,716 So, I've got to make a choice. 17 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:08,459 I've got to choose a bloke to, you know, do it with. 18 00:01:08,503 --> 00:01:10,766 But, like, how do I know which one? 19 00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:14,813 -[camera clicks] -If only blokes had barcodes, it would be so easy. 20 00:01:14,857 --> 00:01:17,903 You'd look at a guy with your laser eyes, scan his little black lines, 21 00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:21,646 and, boing, barcode tells you everything. 22 00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:23,953 Otherwise, how do you know which is Mr. Right bloke? 23 00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:26,086 -[camera clicks] -The big question. 24 00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:28,653 [camera clicking] 25 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,095 [laughing] 26 00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:45,017 Gender-wise, being a girl is the best. No contest. 27 00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:47,585 The wardrobe opportunities are endless. 28 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,936 Girl mates can make you laugh till your socks get wet. 29 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,722 I mean, blokes, what are they all about? 30 00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:56,681 Men are a mystery. Like real lifeX-Files. 31 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:59,380 All that testosterone-y stuff. 32 00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:01,469 They act like ever-growing infants most of the time. 33 00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,427 [laughing] 34 00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:06,691 Not like us. We're totally more evolved. 35 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,521 Fran knows everything about men. 36 00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,871 She's going to do a PhD in psychology. 37 00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:14,699 Two fruit bars, please. 38 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,007 Fran says there is a Mr. Right, 39 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:21,489 -one guy who's just, like, it. The one, it's predestined. -[both laughing] 40 00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,882 Like those VideoPlus numbers in the TV Times, 41 00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,449 you type in this really long number, 42 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:28,583 and boing, the machine knows the very second to switch on. 43 00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:30,802 It's like that with blokes. Meet the right one, 44 00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:34,850 and boing, the lost jigsaw piece is found. 45 00:02:34,893 --> 00:02:38,462 Suddenly, everything's yummy. Dogs bark, bees buzz, 46 00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:40,508 and the world has switched to permanent chill. 47 00:02:40,551 --> 00:02:42,423 [music stops] 48 00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:44,338 -[workout music playing] -If you're right and there's no point in doing it 49 00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:47,341 unless it's with Mr. Barcode Jigsaw Piece, 50 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:50,605 then I run the risk of never doing it. [grunting] 51 00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:54,739 I can be the world's first 104-year-old virgin. 52 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,219 You only lose your virginity once. 53 00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,613 So, you want to do it right, right? 54 00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:00,658 You want to be able to look back when you're ancient 55 00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:03,835 and think, you know, warm stuff about the night you lost it. 56 00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:07,317 Not, "Oh, shit. Why did I do it with that creep?" 57 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:09,798 -[Justine grunts] -[man] What? 58 00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:13,802 We've only been going out for, like, two hours and 24 minutes? 59 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,021 -Are you frigid? -No. 60 00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:18,023 -Lesbian? -No. 61 00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,721 -[zipper rasps] -Well, you know what to do with this then. 62 00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,375 [Justine scoffs] 63 00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:23,855 -[tire screeches] -[Justine] I mean, I don't want much. 64 00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:25,117 Just a bit of romance. 65 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:26,162 Ciao, Ice Woman. 66 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:32,603 [Justine] No. Bollocks. Strike that. I want a lot of romance. Loads. 67 00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:36,259 I want the whole works. I want Mr. Right Bloke to come along, 68 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:39,393 sweep me off my perfect size-fives and whisk me away 69 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:42,309 in a magic carpet ride of love and romance. 70 00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,354 I want a moonlit serenade. 71 00:03:44,398 --> 00:03:48,184 I want to look up at a blanket of stars and hear soft words in my ear. 72 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:54,190 I want to be flown head-on into a massive swirling vortex of emotion. 73 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,324 Such a great word, isn't it? "Vortex." 74 00:03:57,367 --> 00:04:00,718 -[dance music playing] -You zapped his barcode 75 00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,591 and it registered, "No sale." No sweat. 76 00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:06,333 You don't win the lottery unless you scratch a few cards. 77 00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:09,205 Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something wrong. 78 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,339 I'm a 17-year-old virgin. 79 00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:14,689 It's so much easier if you're a bloke, 80 00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:17,169 just orbiting the Earth like a lunar module, 81 00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,128 looking for a docking. 82 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:23,219 Maybe I should be more like Hoover, more willing. 83 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,483 Sure. Strap a mattress to your back and call yourself "futon." 84 00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:27,615 [both giggle] 85 00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:33,882 [chattering indistinctly] 86 00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:39,888 [Justine] Isabelle Jasmine Clarkson, also known as "Shake and Vac," 87 00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:41,542 or simply, "The Hoover." 88 00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:43,195 [man] Oh, my God. 89 00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:45,676 [Justine] Isabelle may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, 90 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,853 but what she missed out on brains, she made up in hormones. 91 00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,594 She grew breasts at nine. 92 00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:54,250 She's a walking, talking, hip-swishing man magnet. 93 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,861 No man has ever said no to Hoover. 94 00:04:56,905 --> 00:05:01,301 Her technique, to give them exactly what they want and then some. 95 00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,694 [man] Oh, my God! 96 00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:12,660 [whistle blows] 97 00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,271 [Justine] Number 14. 98 00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:20,276 Oh, my God. Yeah, Alex thingy. 99 00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:24,976 Thorne. Sex on two legs. 100 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:28,502 Age 17, 5'10". Virgo. Omnivore. 101 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,721 Half owns a Volkswagen with elder brother, Mark. 102 00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:32,070 Excuse me. 103 00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:34,421 But he's, like, big league totty. 104 00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,249 I can't just walk up and say, "Give me your love, baby." 105 00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:39,556 We need a strategy. 106 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,297 -[Justine] I know him. -Who? 107 00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:45,040 Anorak man? 108 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:47,651 [Justine] Chas Lovett. Went to juniors together. 109 00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:48,957 His mom knows my mom. 110 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,133 He owns several anoraks. 111 00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:53,657 Chas Lovett, 112 00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:55,964 -your time has come. -[girls chuckle] 113 00:05:58,009 --> 00:06:02,231 [Frank] I'm in two minds, see, to go techno, new millennium, 114 00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:04,581 or play safe with oldie-woldie. 115 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,627 Then, of course, there's undersea. 116 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,369 I'm having this big Jacques-Cousteau- memorial notion. 117 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,284 What is that? 118 00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:16,506 [Justine] Chas Lovett. Sadder than the sad people from Sad City. 119 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,813 Mom, Jackie, into country and western. 120 00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:20,554 Just delivering it. 121 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:24,993 Stepdad, Frank, part-time inventor and carnival float designer, 122 00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,168 I won't have it under my roof. 123 00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:28,083 You could keep it in the shed, mate. 124 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:31,565 [Jackie] Masturbation, particularly during adolescence I can understand, 125 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:34,132 -condone even. -You can damage your boy, talking like that. 126 00:06:34,176 --> 00:06:35,873 Greatest fear of living men, 127 00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:38,398 prospect of your mother knowing you enjoy the odd Jodrell. 128 00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,271 [Justine] Not quite dork, not quite nerd. 129 00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,795 Nerdish. Into computers. 130 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:48,451 But sad. Surfs the inter-thing and listens to Morrissey. 131 00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,235 Very sad. 132 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:53,674 Does a paper round. Too sad. 133 00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:57,068 Hi, Chas. 134 00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:58,548 [Chas] Hi, Justine. 135 00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:01,551 Right. Sit down. Take the weight off your wigglers. 136 00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:04,467 Here's what we want you to do. 137 00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:12,432 -[Chas] The Virtual Reality Expo's not nerdy at all. -[man grunts] 138 00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:14,999 It's something you'd get off on, really. 139 00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,958 There's all stuff you can do. 140 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:20,875 Simulated motor racing, simulated airplane dogfighting, 141 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:23,617 -virtual reality kickboxing. -[Alex] Just stand over there. 142 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:27,098 Don't want these foxes to think we're together. 143 00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:30,537 Simulated Tour de France, windsurfing, clay pigeon shooting, 144 00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:36,238 I think there's even a sex machine. 145 00:07:36,281 --> 00:07:39,502 -I know one's being developed by a Swiss team. -A real sex machine? 146 00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:42,592 -Where you get inside, they plug you in and... -Yeah, yeah, I think so. 147 00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,029 Well, get me a ticket. 148 00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,078 Oi, Chas, lend us your bike. 149 00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:51,862 I can't. I need it to get to college. 150 00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:56,171 Apparently, they've invented a sex machine. 151 00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:57,955 Reckon it's gonna make men obsolete. 152 00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:04,919 So, if you want to grab yourselves 153 00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:07,704 some old style rumpo before it goes out of fashion... 154 00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:09,358 [car creaking] 155 00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:12,361 [Justine] Dad, why does it keep doing this? 156 00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:15,059 Okay, okay. Start again. Now, remember the sequence. 157 00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,800 I've worked out a way to remember. 158 00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:20,587 Isabelle Clarkson Gives Head Between Maths Revision Seminars. 159 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:23,633 Ignition, clutch, gear, hand-brake, 160 00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:25,940 mix revs, and steering. 161 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,812 Isabelle gives what? 162 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:31,641 -Um... -Look out! 163 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,034 -[tires screech] -[girl] Stop! 164 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:37,647 Geeky sounding guy just called, says Saturday's fixed. 165 00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:39,083 Oh, yes! 166 00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:41,346 Hey. Hey, where are you going? 167 00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,739 Hey, Justine, come back! 168 00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:45,350 I'll drive. I can do it. 169 00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:47,309 -She's useless. -Lucy, get out. 170 00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:48,832 [Justine] What am I gonna wear? What am I gonna wear? 171 00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:51,661 [man] Stop it! Stop! Stop, Lucy! Stop the car! Look out! 172 00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:54,969 [in droning voice] My body is my temple. 173 00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:58,102 [in droning voice] My aura is all positive. 174 00:08:58,146 --> 00:09:01,541 My aura is all positive. 175 00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:04,935 My face is my portal. 176 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,111 My face is... 177 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,159 [regular voice] I'm not happy with my feet. 178 00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,030 Hmm. I don't know. 179 00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:15,119 Maybe. 180 00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:17,339 [grunts] 181 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:20,995 What is it, special occasion or date? 182 00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:22,823 -Date. -You want heels. 183 00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,129 -Yeah? -You want heels. You want tilt. 184 00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:27,392 Mmm, I don't know. 185 00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:30,570 Statistics show heels score, on average, 48% more than flats. 186 00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:31,701 It's to do with calves. 187 00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:35,575 A man is a wild animal, right? Inside. 188 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,838 Back in time, he was a hunter-gatherer. 189 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:40,057 So, he is triggered by instinct. 190 00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:42,973 Taut calves equals fleeing beast. 191 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:46,107 Fleeing beast triggers desire to pursue. 192 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:49,589 -He chases taut calves. -Yeah? 193 00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:52,896 Believe me, even if you don't buy heels, you wanna do calf raises. 194 00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,813 Fifty at a time, you'll be killer. 195 00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:00,774 [Justine] Mmm. Smell that. 196 00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,559 -It's gorgeous. -Perfume is a waste of time. 197 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,562 But what about pheromones? Sense stimulation? 198 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,739 Yeah? How much have you spent on perfume in your entire life? 199 00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:12,046 I don't know, £100, maybe £200. 200 00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:15,397 Mmm. And how many guys have ever said, 201 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,661 "Oh, Justine, you smell wonderful"? 202 00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,971 -None. -I rest my case. 203 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,407 [Justine] Big question, with Alex. 204 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,279 The first kiss, the very first. Tongue or no tongue? 205 00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:29,846 Hmm. Big question. 206 00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,587 Mmm. Mouth open or closed? 207 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,546 -A bit open. -It's either open or it's not. 208 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:38,942 [sighs] See, closed is just too... cat's bottom. 209 00:10:38,986 --> 00:10:41,466 -Open. -Open is scary. 210 00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:44,121 It's like I'm going to eat him. 211 00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,732 -Later, honey. -[giggles] 212 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,303 [alarm ringing] 213 00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,481 Hi, Alex. I'm Justine, Chas's friend. 214 00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:59,659 Hi, Alex. I'm Chas's friend, Justine. 215 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:02,444 Alex. Ah, good to meet you. I'm Justine. 216 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:15,022 -Chas. -Alex blew us out. 217 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,241 Why? 218 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,504 Got a date with Hoover. 219 00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,203 Hoover? 220 00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:24,422 Bitch. 221 00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,425 [girls grunting] 222 00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,307 I can't stand it. It's all so... 223 00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,743 Hello, darling. 224 00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:45,487 No. No, this is not on. 225 00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,271 You can't just do that. 226 00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,404 You want to attract a member of the opposite sex, 227 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,840 you have to work at it. 228 00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:53,364 You have to plan, scheme, shop, 229 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,758 spend, pamper, preen. 230 00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:58,152 You don't just stand in the hole with your ass hanging out, 231 00:11:58,195 --> 00:11:59,283 and go, "Hello, darling." 232 00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:01,242 It's not fair! 233 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:04,375 You know what, love? Your legs will make a lovely scarf. 234 00:12:04,419 --> 00:12:05,507 [both laugh] 235 00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:11,513 [Justine] I can hardly walk. My calves are bloody murder. 236 00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:12,775 You should have worn trainers. 237 00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:17,127 ...smart cards for future events. 238 00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:19,390 -Hi. -Hello. 239 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,741 If you could fill in the index, the address details go on smart cards for future events. 240 00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:36,277 [man 1] Hey, look at these. Excellent. 241 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,931 [man 2] This is the Virtual Beetle. 242 00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:40,977 Ooh. This is amazing. 243 00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:42,544 [people chattering indistinctly] 244 00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,591 [tires screeching] 245 00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,989 [Chas] Helicharmers. Oh, we'll come back for this. 246 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,165 [Justine] Oh, I'm so bored. 247 00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:09,789 [computer trilling] 248 00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:13,880 Mind the hair. 249 00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:16,926 [Chas laughs] 250 00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,449 [electronic voice] Your pod is locked and loaded 251 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,887 for warp thrust expulsion into battle zone. 252 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:26,806 Now what? Am I supposed to press anything or what? 253 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,416 [siren blaring] 254 00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,721 [Justine screams] 255 00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:31,593 [electronic voice] Three, two, one. 256 00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,209 Today's mission is a dangerous one. 257 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,996 Immediate bank to avoid collision. 258 00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:44,606 [Justine] Oh, shit! 259 00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:49,916 [electronic voice] You now have total manual control. 260 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:52,092 All systems are in your control, Captain. 261 00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:53,833 Captain? 262 00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:01,623 [electronic voice] Beware. Hostile bandits have laser lock on you. 263 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,538 Take immediate evasive action. 264 00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:08,282 Heat seeking lasers have lock-on. Repeat, lock-on. 265 00:14:08,325 --> 00:14:10,371 -Evasive action essential. -[grunts] 266 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,854 Yes! 267 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:29,564 Hey, you were brilliant. 268 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,871 -How did you fly through those bridge spans? -[Justine groans] 269 00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:34,090 If we start queuing now, we might get on Shark Attack. 270 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:36,788 I'm gonna take my shoes off, have a drink, 271 00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:40,009 and then, I'm gonna be sick. 272 00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:44,840 Miss, miss. If you don't mind my saying, you look radiant. A vision. 273 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,624 Maybe you'd like to be blond or redhead... 274 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:49,627 -Dye isn't going to solve anything. -Or have higher cheekbones, 275 00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:51,673 bigger teeth, larger eyes, fuller breasts. 276 00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,544 -Hey! -Maybe you'd like a button nose. 277 00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,938 -[Justine] Maybe you'd like a punch in yours. -[chuckles] 278 00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:58,114 Let me introduce you to Narcissus 1, 279 00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:01,117 the complete three-dimensional makeover machine. 280 00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:06,209 By using Pentium in-line interface bi-conductive server strands, 281 00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:09,734 Narcissus can recreate spectrographic imagery 282 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,998 -with which you can voluntarily... -Shut up, Monica. 283 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,217 Look, love, press that and it does that. 284 00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:16,089 -[computer] Blond. -[Justine chuckles] Cool. 285 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:22,051 -Enjoy. -[computer] Door closing. 286 00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:24,358 We'll just cut the techno-crap. 287 00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:28,318 Punters don't care that you're the computer world's answer to Anita Roddick. 288 00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,146 -[computer beeping] -Punters only think two things. 289 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:34,324 What can it do for me? How much does it cost? Yes? 290 00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:37,762 Miss. Miss, may I say you're looking divine. 291 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:41,723 [computer] Scanning profile. Please, stand still. 292 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,731 Place on the visor. 293 00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:58,174 Welcome to Narcissus, 294 00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:02,309 where all your image dreams can come true. 295 00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:06,487 Which feature would you like to alter? 296 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,012 Oh. 297 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:16,540 [computer] Ears, eyes, nose, lips. 298 00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:18,281 Hmm... 299 00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,154 -Lips. -Lips. 300 00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:24,244 Hmm. 301 00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:27,508 Voluptuous. 302 00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:35,516 Nose. 303 00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:40,738 Button. 304 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,092 Resize selected. 305 00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:47,702 [Justine giggles] 306 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:57,407 Hmm. 307 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,802 [dance music playing] 308 00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,543 ♪ I've noticed you around ♪ 309 00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,849 -Madam. -[computer] Male. 310 00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:13,684 Body toning selected. 311 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,386 [computer] Resize selected. 312 00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,138 Oi, there. Clock this. 313 00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:34,575 -Hello darling, all right? -Hello, sweetheart. 314 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,186 [pipe hisses] 315 00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:39,014 [computer] Rugged. 316 00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:44,454 Blue. 317 00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,719 Ears. Butt. 318 00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,940 Cute. Blond. 319 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,860 ♪ I find you very attractive ♪ 320 00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:04,822 [computer] Photoreal. 321 00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:05,910 ♪ Would you go to bed with me? ♪ 322 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,266 [whistles] 323 00:18:16,443 --> 00:18:18,314 God, you're beautiful. 324 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,753 Four fifty, sir. 325 00:18:22,797 --> 00:18:25,669 [computer] Save? Delete? Copy? 326 00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,019 Delete or copy? 327 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,935 Thank you very much. 328 00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:38,900 -[Justine] Copy. -[computer] Copy. 329 00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:43,557 [screams] 330 00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:50,216 [objects crashing] 331 00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:54,394 [man breathing heavily] 332 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,056 [people clamoring indistinctly] 333 00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:12,542 Wait, wait. 334 00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:17,547 -[man] Move along, move along, there's trucks coming through. -[siren blaring] 335 00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,549 Now, come on, move straight down the street. 336 00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,334 Get out of the way. Come on now. 337 00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:22,378 [man] Chas. 338 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:25,860 Chas! 339 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,124 [siren wailing] 340 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,169 Chas. 341 00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:32,475 What? 342 00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:34,303 [man] Chas! 343 00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:38,264 Chas, what are you... 344 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:40,657 Get away. Get off, pervert. 345 00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:42,398 [man groans] 346 00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:49,666 Shit. 347 00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:53,540 Oh, Jesus. 348 00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,155 Oh, my God. 349 00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:02,201 Oh, my God. 350 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:13,647 [Chas grunts] 351 00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:19,609 [man] Chas? 352 00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:20,871 Keep away from me, pervert. 353 00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,309 You want my money? Take it. 354 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:25,006 Chas, it's me. 355 00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:29,097 Justine. 356 00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,142 Look. 357 00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,451 What have you done with her, you bastard? 358 00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,801 It is me, Justine! 359 00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:41,196 [sputters] I went into a machine. 360 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,199 Look, just... put the spade down. 361 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,680 -[groans] -[dog barking] 362 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,638 Jesus, will you stop doing that? 363 00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:52,251 -Help! Help! -Chas, listen. 364 00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:54,296 I'm Justine Alice Parker. 365 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,558 I live at 58 Zealand Road. 366 00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:57,517 Little sister, Lucy. Mom, Marion. Dad, David. 367 00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,736 My best friend's Fran. Johnny Depp, dream date. 368 00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:04,001 I've got 18 pairs of knickers, 14 pairs of shoes, not including trainers. 369 00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:06,352 We went to Chisenhale Primary School together, 370 00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:08,528 and you stuck a drinking straw down your willie when you were six, 371 00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:11,139 and Nurse Stevens had to get it out, remember? 372 00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:12,445 You do a paper round, which, by the way, 373 00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:14,403 is a very sad thing for a 17-year-old to do. 374 00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:16,710 And your mom used to send you to primary 375 00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:19,713 with a brown rice and tofu lunchbox. 376 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:22,106 You started to build your own bean curd mountain 377 00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,587 behind the radiator in Blue Class, 378 00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:26,633 until you got discovered by Ms. French 379 00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:28,374 and Rentokil. 380 00:21:31,115 --> 00:21:32,116 Enough? 381 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,294 What machine? 382 00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:37,470 Narcissus something. 383 00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:43,693 -[Frank] If he's gay, how come he supports Arsenal? -[mellow song playing softly] 384 00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:46,740 If he's gay, why doesn't he have gay friends? 385 00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:49,482 Still, he hangs out with that a-hole, Alex. 386 00:21:49,525 --> 00:21:51,179 A mother's worst nightmare. 387 00:21:51,222 --> 00:21:53,137 Don't kid yourself. 388 00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:56,140 We don't know who he sees out there. 389 00:21:56,184 --> 00:21:58,186 -[Chas] What am I gonna tell my mom? -What am I gonna tell mine? 390 00:22:00,188 --> 00:22:02,756 Please, just till it gets sorted. 391 00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:05,628 I'm just gonna hang this out. 392 00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:09,371 Oh, and I just say, "Hey, Mom, I want this guy who dresses like Bjork on acid 393 00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:12,766 and has serious gender problems to snuggle down in my top bunk"? 394 00:22:12,809 --> 00:22:13,941 Do you, dear? 395 00:22:13,984 --> 00:22:16,030 Oh. Hello, Mrs. Lovett. 396 00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:18,206 I'm, um... 397 00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:20,600 Jake. 398 00:22:20,643 --> 00:22:22,036 Do you support Arsenal? 399 00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:27,955 Thirty people have been treated for minor injuries. 400 00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:30,914 after the gas explosion here at Earl's Court. 401 00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:34,353 Electronic equipment from the expo has been severely damaged. 402 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:36,485 The cost could run into millions... 403 00:22:36,529 --> 00:22:39,227 With no machine, how am I gonna change back? 404 00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:41,708 Does this wear off? I mean, does it have a lifespan? 405 00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:43,884 Can I ask you a question? 406 00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,800 What? 407 00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:49,063 Who was milk monitor before you in Ms. French's class? 408 00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:50,064 You still think this is a joke? 409 00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,545 This could be killing me. 410 00:22:54,285 --> 00:22:56,331 Suddenly, I've got thighs like Linford Christie, 411 00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,551 and bulges in places I didn't even have places. 412 00:22:58,594 --> 00:22:59,813 And you think this is all some trick? 413 00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:05,384 Trina Salmon, okay? 414 00:23:06,254 --> 00:23:08,169 [sighs] Okay. 415 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,390 -Otherwise known as Niffy. -[laughs] 416 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,828 You have to admit, this is weird. 417 00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:18,527 I'm in such deep shit. I mean, look, what am I gonna tell my mom? 418 00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:19,528 Or Fran. 419 00:23:23,097 --> 00:23:25,882 Still, one thing I will say. But I'm not at all happy about this. 420 00:23:27,536 --> 00:23:28,711 [exclaims] 421 00:23:29,538 --> 00:23:31,540 I didn't do bad, did I? 422 00:23:31,584 --> 00:23:34,413 I mean, if I met me, and I wasn't me, 423 00:23:35,196 --> 00:23:37,111 I'd be like, "Yes!" 424 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:42,333 I smell. 425 00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:45,249 It's sweat, but it's kind of... I don't know... 426 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,295 Yummy. 427 00:24:27,814 --> 00:24:29,772 [gasps] 428 00:24:40,174 --> 00:24:41,262 Wow. 429 00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:47,834 Oh, my God. 430 00:24:53,883 --> 00:24:55,494 [slapping] 431 00:24:57,365 --> 00:24:58,714 [chuckles] 432 00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:01,021 [humming] 433 00:25:22,346 --> 00:25:23,522 Oh, my God. 434 00:25:29,702 --> 00:25:30,920 Oh, my God. 435 00:25:33,967 --> 00:25:36,186 [door squeaking] 436 00:25:36,230 --> 00:25:38,406 [grunts] Oh, shit, shit, shit. 437 00:25:41,801 --> 00:25:44,412 I spoke to Fran. Said you wouldn't be back. 438 00:25:44,455 --> 00:25:46,719 Didn't seem worried at all. 439 00:25:46,762 --> 00:25:49,373 And I've trawled the net. No listing anywhere for a Narcissus. 440 00:25:50,853 --> 00:25:51,811 What's the matter? 441 00:25:53,595 --> 00:25:55,466 Have you got any self-help books on the male anatomy? 442 00:25:56,163 --> 00:25:57,686 What? 443 00:25:57,730 --> 00:25:58,818 Nothing. No, nothing. 444 00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:00,689 Got any clothes I can borrow? 445 00:26:01,211 --> 00:26:02,256 Yeah. 446 00:26:02,299 --> 00:26:03,300 Oh. 447 00:26:06,042 --> 00:26:07,478 Oh, is that your real dad? 448 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,657 Yeah. He died when I was five. 449 00:26:11,700 --> 00:26:14,050 Oh, he looks a laugh. 450 00:26:14,094 --> 00:26:15,574 You ought to polish this silver frame, though. 451 00:26:15,617 --> 00:26:17,488 It's a shame to let it get in this state. It's lovely. 452 00:26:22,885 --> 00:26:24,365 How do guys cross their legs? 453 00:26:24,408 --> 00:26:26,933 [chuckles] They don't much. 454 00:26:26,976 --> 00:26:29,805 It's weird stuff, all that... tackle, isn't it? 455 00:26:31,546 --> 00:26:32,808 Yours is all... 456 00:26:33,809 --> 00:26:35,681 Well, you know, normal? 457 00:26:36,725 --> 00:26:38,509 Yeah, I think so. 458 00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:40,207 -Do you want to have a look? -No. 459 00:26:41,077 --> 00:26:42,688 God. 460 00:26:42,731 --> 00:26:45,473 Could I... Can I see yours? 461 00:26:45,516 --> 00:26:46,953 You know, just so I can compare. 462 00:26:48,171 --> 00:26:49,172 I guess not. 463 00:26:51,087 --> 00:26:52,741 -Ever measured yours? -Please. 464 00:26:52,785 --> 00:26:54,525 I'm just curious, you know. I mean, you read such a lot 465 00:26:54,569 --> 00:26:57,354 about guys being obsessed by size and everything, 466 00:26:57,398 --> 00:27:00,619 and I just thought... Well, looking at it... 467 00:27:00,662 --> 00:27:02,359 Believe me, I'm no expert or anything, 468 00:27:02,403 --> 00:27:05,798 but, looking at it, it seems kind of... Well, it looks kind of... 469 00:27:06,668 --> 00:27:09,149 Well, big. 470 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,281 Yeah. 471 00:27:12,761 --> 00:27:13,719 I'm going to bed. 472 00:27:21,770 --> 00:27:23,163 You ever have sex with a girl? 473 00:27:27,297 --> 00:27:29,125 -Sure. -Who? 474 00:27:30,997 --> 00:27:32,172 Oh, you wouldn't know her. 475 00:27:33,173 --> 00:27:34,174 Them. 476 00:27:34,914 --> 00:27:35,915 [Jake] What's it like? 477 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,571 I'm going to sleep. 478 00:27:59,155 --> 00:28:00,853 [rubbing rapidly and grunting] 479 00:28:03,377 --> 00:28:04,465 [Jake grunts] 480 00:28:11,733 --> 00:28:12,865 [blows air] 481 00:28:17,304 --> 00:28:19,132 Never mind, Mon, you can mend it. 482 00:28:19,175 --> 00:28:22,483 A couple of months bent over a soldering iron, soon put that right. 483 00:28:22,526 --> 00:28:26,182 Anyway, it's not like your social calendar's exactly groaning, is it? 484 00:28:26,226 --> 00:28:29,838 But he looked perfectly normal? Went in a girl, came out a man? 485 00:28:29,882 --> 00:28:33,929 Clothes were ripped, of course. But the body looked intact. 486 00:28:33,973 --> 00:28:36,976 His wedding tackle... Did that look normal? 487 00:28:37,019 --> 00:28:39,152 Half the executive dining hall just landed on me. 488 00:28:39,195 --> 00:28:41,241 People were stomping on my head. 489 00:28:41,284 --> 00:28:43,634 The chances of checking his genitalia... 490 00:28:44,810 --> 00:28:47,116 You're a genius, Mon. Do you know that? 491 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,291 Ugly as shit. 492 00:28:48,944 --> 00:28:49,902 But a genius. 493 00:28:54,341 --> 00:28:57,866 His new friend spends an awful long time in the bathroom. 494 00:28:57,910 --> 00:29:02,262 So? He's a bloke who takes care of his appearance. 495 00:29:02,305 --> 00:29:05,961 Just because he likes a bubble bath or two, doesn't make him... 496 00:29:06,005 --> 00:29:07,484 I couldn't borrow a hair dryer, could I? 497 00:29:10,923 --> 00:29:11,880 Of course. 498 00:29:15,275 --> 00:29:16,406 [sighs] 499 00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:18,495 [upbeat song playing] 500 00:29:24,937 --> 00:29:29,202 ♪ Whatever happened To our dreams, girl? ♪ 501 00:29:31,508 --> 00:29:34,729 ♪ Whatever happened To our goals? ♪ 502 00:29:38,124 --> 00:29:42,302 ♪ Whatever came Of aspiration? ♪ 503 00:29:44,434 --> 00:29:46,175 ♪ Oh, we let it go And it grew old ♪ 504 00:29:46,219 --> 00:29:47,786 Sorry, I've got no money. 505 00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:51,180 Bye. 506 00:29:51,224 --> 00:29:52,225 Dazzler. 507 00:29:53,574 --> 00:29:55,010 Taylor. 508 00:29:55,054 --> 00:29:56,142 -Knobhead. -[laughs] 509 00:29:56,751 --> 00:29:58,274 [Alex] Spriggs. 510 00:29:58,318 --> 00:29:59,972 Giblet. 511 00:30:00,015 --> 00:30:02,409 -Carter. -Sergeant Major. 512 00:30:02,452 --> 00:30:04,846 We don't want mutoid. You have him. 513 00:30:04,890 --> 00:30:06,674 Nah. We don't want him. 514 00:30:08,328 --> 00:30:10,156 Unless we're gonna have his girlfriend, too. 515 00:30:10,199 --> 00:30:12,419 [boys cackling and chattering indistinctly] 516 00:30:16,727 --> 00:30:18,294 Basketball's like netball, right? 517 00:30:18,338 --> 00:30:19,295 -Well... -[whooshing] 518 00:30:20,296 --> 00:30:21,471 [grunts] 519 00:30:30,350 --> 00:30:33,527 Oi, smeghead. What are you waiting for, puberty? 520 00:30:33,570 --> 00:30:34,658 Dribble it, you freaking girl. 521 00:30:38,053 --> 00:30:39,402 [cheering] 522 00:31:13,436 --> 00:31:15,177 [players chattering indistinctly] 523 00:31:21,227 --> 00:31:22,271 Did you see Hoover? 524 00:31:23,142 --> 00:31:24,230 What's that about? 525 00:31:26,319 --> 00:31:27,668 Are you all right? 526 00:31:27,711 --> 00:31:29,713 [sighs] I'm such a sad case. 527 00:31:31,237 --> 00:31:33,500 I mean, look at you. 528 00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:35,763 You're a girl. You've been a bloke less than 24 hours, 529 00:31:35,806 --> 00:31:37,286 and you're more one of the lads than I am. 530 00:31:39,027 --> 00:31:41,160 Already top jock and Hoover's got the hots for you. 531 00:31:41,203 --> 00:31:43,814 [Jake] Hoover's got the... Really? You think so? 532 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:46,208 Shit. 533 00:31:47,514 --> 00:31:49,603 [chattering indistinctly] 534 00:31:58,220 --> 00:31:59,439 I can't go in there. 535 00:32:01,832 --> 00:32:03,834 -Can I? -You've got to change. 536 00:32:06,185 --> 00:32:07,229 God. 537 00:32:08,230 --> 00:32:09,449 Wait till I tell Fran. 538 00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:12,669 Once her mom's gone to bed, 539 00:32:12,713 --> 00:32:15,629 dim lights, R Kelly, and out with her old man's Malibu. 540 00:32:15,672 --> 00:32:18,762 Eh? Bung a few of those down our necks and... 541 00:32:18,806 --> 00:32:19,850 [boys exclaiming] 542 00:32:19,894 --> 00:32:21,243 Jesus, would you look at Carter's? 543 00:32:21,287 --> 00:32:23,289 -Don't point. -Yeah, but he's got no... 544 00:32:23,332 --> 00:32:24,943 The inside's showing. 545 00:32:24,986 --> 00:32:26,205 He's been circumcised. 546 00:32:26,248 --> 00:32:28,685 Poor bastard. 547 00:32:28,729 --> 00:32:30,774 You want to avoid trouble, don't look, don't point, 548 00:32:30,818 --> 00:32:33,168 and don't say anything about other blokes' bits. 549 00:32:33,690 --> 00:32:36,041 Oi, maggot dick! 550 00:32:36,084 --> 00:32:37,607 [boys exclaim] 551 00:32:37,651 --> 00:32:39,653 -What's all that about? -Nothing. 552 00:32:39,696 --> 00:32:40,741 No, come on. What? 553 00:32:42,395 --> 00:32:43,962 Alex's greatest pleasure in life is, 554 00:32:44,005 --> 00:32:46,486 A, making out he's hung like a donkey, 555 00:32:46,529 --> 00:32:49,445 and B, publicly humiliating anyone who's not. 556 00:32:50,838 --> 00:32:53,319 -And you're... -I'm a late developer, all right? 557 00:32:53,362 --> 00:32:56,365 Anyway, size doesn't matter. You should know that. 558 00:32:56,409 --> 00:32:58,977 And often, it's an optical aberration. Some just look big. 559 00:33:01,283 --> 00:33:02,981 Alex's isn't that much of a deal, is it? 560 00:33:06,941 --> 00:33:08,421 You got a problem, princess? 561 00:33:10,249 --> 00:33:12,120 [boys exclaiming] 562 00:33:22,087 --> 00:33:24,524 Just a little bit of alcoholic lubrication, 563 00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:27,396 and it was time to unleash the python. 564 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,921 -[boys cheer] -She couldn't resist it for a nanosecond. 565 00:33:30,965 --> 00:33:33,576 All over me like chicken pox. 566 00:33:33,620 --> 00:33:36,666 I'll tell you, they don't call her The Hoover for nothing. 567 00:33:36,710 --> 00:33:39,278 [boys chanting] Hoover! 568 00:33:39,321 --> 00:33:41,193 What goes down in the trouser department, 569 00:33:41,236 --> 00:33:43,978 -apart from me? -[girls laugh] 570 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:46,894 Ever had a Jack Russell try to do it to your leg? 571 00:33:46,937 --> 00:33:48,374 [girls groan] 572 00:33:48,417 --> 00:33:50,158 I was a stallion. 573 00:33:50,202 --> 00:33:54,423 -Hour after hour, pushing her further and further... -Go on, boy! 574 00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:57,078 ...till the very edge of ecstasy. 575 00:33:57,122 --> 00:33:59,776 I'm like, "Sorry, did I miss something?" 576 00:33:59,820 --> 00:34:01,387 And he's lying back, 577 00:34:01,430 --> 00:34:04,912 basking in the glow of his sad little fantasy world. 578 00:34:04,955 --> 00:34:06,435 Believe me, 579 00:34:06,479 --> 00:34:08,568 -I've had more fun with a spin dryer. -[girls laugh] 580 00:34:08,611 --> 00:34:12,833 There's a sort of glow a woman gets when she's totally satisfied. 581 00:34:12,876 --> 00:34:16,054 Sort of looks drunk, intoxicated. 582 00:34:16,097 --> 00:34:18,360 Eyes glazed with delight. 583 00:34:18,404 --> 00:34:21,972 I felt sick, like I'd eaten a dodgy pork pie. 584 00:34:22,016 --> 00:34:25,759 [girls groan] 585 00:34:25,802 --> 00:34:27,804 I thought at least there'd be a police incident unit. 586 00:34:27,848 --> 00:34:29,067 You know, like on Crime Stoppersor something. 587 00:34:29,110 --> 00:34:30,851 There's not even a copper standing guard. 588 00:34:30,894 --> 00:34:32,722 -You're going in? -I'm thinking about it. 589 00:34:33,810 --> 00:34:36,857 Facing Mom's gonna be so weird. 590 00:34:36,900 --> 00:34:40,165 -Tomorrow. Tomorrow night, maybe we could... -I can't tomorrow. 591 00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:42,384 I'm babysitting, and Alex is coming round to watch videos. 592 00:34:42,428 --> 00:34:44,256 Alex? 593 00:34:44,299 --> 00:34:46,171 Yeah, he watches videos every Thursday when my folks are at Bonanza. 594 00:34:46,214 --> 00:34:47,172 Someone's in my room. 595 00:34:48,912 --> 00:34:50,523 [Chas] It could be your mom looking for clues. 596 00:34:50,566 --> 00:34:53,265 No, it's more like Lucy scoping something from my wardrobe 597 00:34:53,308 --> 00:34:55,615 -for her Private Dancer tour. -[chuckles] 598 00:34:58,357 --> 00:34:59,314 Well? 599 00:35:00,750 --> 00:35:04,058 I don't think I can face it. Mom will go nuts. 600 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,320 Can you imagine, "Hi, Mom. I'm back. 601 00:35:05,364 --> 00:35:07,148 Oh, and by the way, I now shave twice a day, 602 00:35:07,192 --> 00:35:09,455 and I've got nine inches of sausage stuck permanently down my pants." 603 00:35:13,850 --> 00:35:14,851 Nine inches? 604 00:35:15,374 --> 00:35:16,984 [Jake] Mmm. 605 00:35:17,027 --> 00:35:18,203 Paradise, aren't they? 606 00:35:19,378 --> 00:35:21,815 Secret's in the chili sauce. 607 00:35:21,858 --> 00:35:23,599 -You've got it all over your mouth. -I'll do it. 608 00:35:25,862 --> 00:35:27,908 -I'm going for a slash. -I'll come with you. 609 00:35:32,086 --> 00:35:33,435 [Chas] Guys don't do this. 610 00:35:33,479 --> 00:35:35,829 -[Jake] What? -Go to the bog together. 611 00:35:35,872 --> 00:35:38,266 -[Jake] Girls do it all the time. -Precisely. 612 00:35:38,310 --> 00:35:40,225 Next, you're gonna say they don't talk when they tinkle. 613 00:35:40,268 --> 00:35:42,052 -They don't. -What, not at all? 614 00:35:42,096 --> 00:35:43,141 Well, maybe if it's your mate. 615 00:35:44,011 --> 00:35:45,621 Not that you'd go in with him. 616 00:35:45,665 --> 00:35:49,016 If you bumped into him, you might. About football. 617 00:35:49,059 --> 00:35:51,366 But you don't talk to strangers. Not midstream. 618 00:35:51,410 --> 00:35:53,281 -Never. -Why? 619 00:35:53,325 --> 00:35:54,543 Might get the wrong idea. 620 00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:58,286 -What about looking? -Definitely not. 621 00:35:58,330 --> 00:36:01,681 [scoffs] What, no queuing, no talking, no peeping? 622 00:36:03,117 --> 00:36:04,118 You don't know what you're missing. 623 00:36:07,774 --> 00:36:09,167 [upbeat music playing] 624 00:36:12,822 --> 00:36:14,041 [music fades] 625 00:36:14,084 --> 00:36:17,436 Hoover. I mean, Isabelle. Hi. 626 00:36:17,479 --> 00:36:20,439 I need some information about a man. 627 00:36:25,922 --> 00:36:27,010 [man 1 scoffs] 628 00:36:27,054 --> 00:36:29,709 -[Jake shouting] -[man 2] Out of the way. 629 00:36:36,324 --> 00:36:37,586 [taxi driver] Ha, you'd be lucky. 630 00:36:39,327 --> 00:36:40,502 [man 3] Get a proper job! 631 00:36:53,298 --> 00:36:55,909 Oi, son. What do you think you're doing? 632 00:36:55,952 --> 00:36:57,345 Needs a good clean. 633 00:36:57,389 --> 00:36:59,913 [chuckles] Don't be a nincompoop. 634 00:36:59,956 --> 00:37:01,349 This is a council vehicle. 635 00:37:01,393 --> 00:37:04,613 I ain't gonna pay you good money to clean it, am I? 636 00:37:04,657 --> 00:37:06,789 Well, never mind. You can have this one on the house. 637 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,621 -[wiper squeaking] -[man] You know what, son? 638 00:37:12,665 --> 00:37:15,624 Looking at your operation, I'd say you've got two major problems. 639 00:37:17,017 --> 00:37:18,975 Location and motivation. 640 00:37:25,330 --> 00:37:27,375 Come on, love, back it up, back it up! 641 00:37:27,419 --> 00:37:29,464 [horn honking] 642 00:37:29,508 --> 00:37:30,987 [horns blaring] 643 00:37:34,861 --> 00:37:36,166 [tire squeals] 644 00:37:38,299 --> 00:37:40,823 [man] Now, think of yourself as a midwife, right? 645 00:37:40,867 --> 00:37:43,261 A pregnant woman comes into your delivery room. 646 00:37:43,304 --> 00:37:45,611 Vulnerable, ripe. [chuckles] 647 00:37:45,654 --> 00:37:48,527 She's nervous, anxious, weary. 648 00:37:49,571 --> 00:37:52,835 Inside there is a tiny baby, 649 00:37:53,619 --> 00:37:55,708 a fledgling. 650 00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:59,277 Are you going to be the one to bring it out of the darkness and into the light? 651 00:38:01,409 --> 00:38:04,151 -[wiper squeaking] -With every pass of your instrument, 652 00:38:04,194 --> 00:38:08,590 you let rays flood into the life of this emerging infant. 653 00:38:08,634 --> 00:38:11,419 You take away the darkness 654 00:38:11,463 --> 00:38:14,292 and bring forth the light. 655 00:38:14,335 --> 00:38:16,294 [driver] All right, mate. Lovely job. 656 00:38:23,170 --> 00:38:25,215 [Jake] From the fruits of one man's fierce struggle against the elements 657 00:38:25,259 --> 00:38:27,261 comes... gold. 658 00:38:28,828 --> 00:38:31,657 -No word from anorak city? -Uh-uh. 659 00:38:31,700 --> 00:38:33,311 I'm gonna have to see Fran tomorrow. 660 00:38:33,354 --> 00:38:35,400 And Mom. 661 00:38:35,443 --> 00:38:37,097 I'm surprised more people aren't worried. 662 00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,317 Um, Frans' been asking after you. 663 00:38:40,361 --> 00:38:41,754 She's obviously getting Fran-tic. 664 00:38:41,797 --> 00:38:45,801 No, you. You-you. Not the other you. Not Justine. 665 00:38:45,845 --> 00:38:48,151 Fran's been asking about Jake? 666 00:38:48,195 --> 00:38:49,762 I think she's got a friend who wants to meet you. 667 00:38:50,545 --> 00:38:52,895 She's bloody match-making? 668 00:38:52,939 --> 00:38:55,594 I've gone missing and she's trying to line up the new me with some girl? 669 00:38:58,074 --> 00:38:59,075 I wonder who. 670 00:39:02,949 --> 00:39:05,473 [Jason] Just imagine the possibilities. 671 00:39:05,517 --> 00:39:08,302 Sex-change operations without the snip. 672 00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:12,219 No-knife cosmetic surgery. Reconstruct... 673 00:39:12,262 --> 00:39:14,700 -Is that him? -[Monica] No. 674 00:39:14,743 --> 00:39:18,443 Ours is taller, blond hair, much cuter. 675 00:39:20,923 --> 00:39:22,142 More blokes should be like you. 676 00:39:23,448 --> 00:39:24,927 Alex is such a wanker. 677 00:39:26,102 --> 00:39:28,235 [Chas] He's a mate. Sort of. 678 00:39:28,278 --> 00:39:31,064 [Jake] How can you say that? He treats you like shit. 679 00:39:31,107 --> 00:39:32,370 You fancied him, remember? 680 00:39:34,197 --> 00:39:36,591 Anyway, if he wasn't a mate, everyone would treat me like shit. 681 00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:43,990 Breast implants, they'd become antiques. 682 00:39:44,947 --> 00:39:46,427 Silicone shares would plummet. 683 00:39:47,907 --> 00:39:50,083 All because we could build breasts. 684 00:39:51,214 --> 00:39:52,302 Big breasts. 685 00:39:53,869 --> 00:39:55,480 Huge breasts. 686 00:39:56,306 --> 00:39:57,612 Just like that. 687 00:39:57,656 --> 00:39:59,614 [squeaking] 688 00:39:59,658 --> 00:40:01,616 [Alex] Would you believe it? 689 00:40:01,660 --> 00:40:03,270 Sixty-eight inch tits. 690 00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,361 They reckon she killed a bloke with them once. 691 00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,711 Accidental like. 692 00:40:09,755 --> 00:40:13,062 Oi, spaz, go nick some of Frank's vodka. 693 00:40:13,106 --> 00:40:14,586 That's ridiculous. 694 00:40:14,629 --> 00:40:17,110 I mean, look, they're just big bags of silicone jelly. 695 00:40:18,024 --> 00:40:20,330 How can that be sexy? 696 00:40:20,374 --> 00:40:23,290 You really are a bum bandit, aren't you, Jakey? Huh? 697 00:40:23,333 --> 00:40:26,032 I bet you've never had your hands on a pair of real tits in your life. 698 00:40:26,075 --> 00:40:27,468 You'd be surprised. 699 00:40:27,512 --> 00:40:29,905 Oh, yeah. How many babes you got naked with, then? 700 00:40:29,949 --> 00:40:31,341 -Lost count. -[scoffs] 701 00:40:33,169 --> 00:40:34,867 You're full of shit. 702 00:40:34,910 --> 00:40:36,303 You couldn't handle a real woman 703 00:40:36,346 --> 00:40:38,305 if she came with the instructions printed on her ass. 704 00:40:38,348 --> 00:40:40,829 And you couldn't find her G-spot with a map and a compass. 705 00:40:40,873 --> 00:40:43,310 [Jake] Okay, then. So, tell me, Dr. Love, 706 00:40:43,353 --> 00:40:45,921 -how many women have you actually... -Eighteen. 707 00:40:45,965 --> 00:40:49,055 -All the way? -All the way. Down and dirty. 708 00:40:49,098 --> 00:40:51,187 Done the business. Bosh. 709 00:40:51,231 --> 00:40:54,147 Heh. I've even had Hoover. 710 00:40:54,190 --> 00:40:57,019 Oh, congratulations. I hear she's starting her own newsletter. 711 00:40:57,063 --> 00:40:59,369 [scoffs] Chas has never had any girl. 712 00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:01,197 Not in real life, have you, Chas? 713 00:41:01,241 --> 00:41:03,461 Of course, he says he has because no bloke over 12 714 00:41:03,504 --> 00:41:05,071 is going to admit that he's a virgin. 715 00:41:05,114 --> 00:41:09,597 [laughs] Me, I've had virgins, loads. 716 00:41:09,641 --> 00:41:11,381 Done my share of cherry picking. 717 00:41:12,948 --> 00:41:14,472 -Had that Fran. -Fran? 718 00:41:14,515 --> 00:41:18,476 Mmm. [chuckles] And her mate. What's her name, Justine. 719 00:41:18,519 --> 00:41:19,955 I had her, too. 720 00:41:19,999 --> 00:41:22,001 Quiet ones are always the best. 721 00:41:22,044 --> 00:41:26,484 First date, done her doggy style. [growls and laughs] 722 00:41:28,268 --> 00:41:31,880 You don't know how close I came to making a major mistake. 723 00:41:31,924 --> 00:41:34,492 Probably would have slept with Alex if he played his cards right. 724 00:41:36,668 --> 00:41:39,148 Why do girls go for guys like Alex? 725 00:41:39,192 --> 00:41:40,672 I guess we're just programmed... 726 00:41:43,675 --> 00:41:45,720 I've never had a girlfriend, ever. 727 00:41:46,982 --> 00:41:49,202 Not even kissed a girl. Not properly. 728 00:41:49,245 --> 00:41:51,378 You've just got to keep zapping those barcodes. 729 00:41:51,813 --> 00:41:53,772 [sighs] 730 00:41:53,815 --> 00:41:55,295 Maybe I should try and be more like Alex. 731 00:41:55,338 --> 00:41:57,210 No. 732 00:41:57,253 --> 00:41:59,734 He gets girls. Lots of girls. 733 00:42:00,735 --> 00:42:02,694 -I don't. -You're different. 734 00:42:04,260 --> 00:42:05,435 You're a nice guy. 735 00:42:07,002 --> 00:42:09,527 -Nice guys don't get laid. -Well... 736 00:42:11,485 --> 00:42:15,315 -And I'm a geek. -Geeky's good. Geeky's very trendy. 737 00:42:15,358 --> 00:42:18,187 Enormously cool guys spend a lot of money looking geeky. 738 00:42:18,231 --> 00:42:22,931 -Jarvis Cocker. -There's cool-geeky, and there's geeky-geeky. 739 00:42:25,455 --> 00:42:27,719 I'm only ever going to be geeky-geeky. 740 00:42:33,638 --> 00:42:35,683 -Are you positive? -Without a shadow. 741 00:42:35,727 --> 00:42:38,164 He is gorgeous. 742 00:42:38,207 --> 00:42:40,688 Oh, he's perfect. Better than perfect. 743 00:42:41,254 --> 00:42:42,690 He's ours. 744 00:42:42,734 --> 00:42:44,213 [Monica] We're gonna need to talk to him. 745 00:42:45,954 --> 00:42:47,260 We're going to need to kidnap him. 746 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:56,095 Oi, Jake! 747 00:42:57,052 --> 00:42:58,837 -You're Jake, right? -Fran! 748 00:43:00,012 --> 00:43:00,969 How do you know my name? 749 00:43:01,753 --> 00:43:03,363 Oh. 750 00:43:03,406 --> 00:43:05,365 I guessed. You're famous. 751 00:43:06,801 --> 00:43:08,716 You're as beautiful as everyone says you are. 752 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:11,458 [chuckles] Look at you with the Hallmark tongue. 753 00:43:11,501 --> 00:43:13,155 There's somebody here I want you to meet. 754 00:43:13,199 --> 00:43:16,463 Oi, cock, these lights change, I may have to kill ya. 755 00:43:17,290 --> 00:43:18,552 Go around, double back here. 756 00:43:26,908 --> 00:43:29,998 [Jason] Okay. I stop, you get out, throw him in. 757 00:43:30,042 --> 00:43:32,174 Simple. Operation Snatch. 758 00:43:33,175 --> 00:43:34,394 I'm not sure. 759 00:43:34,437 --> 00:43:36,222 I don't know if I can do this. 760 00:43:36,265 --> 00:43:38,833 [Jason] Okay. Here's a little visionary motivation thing 761 00:43:38,877 --> 00:43:40,574 for you to be thinking about. 762 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:42,315 You accidentally made lover boy. 763 00:43:42,358 --> 00:43:44,360 There's no reason, once we've got the technology straight, 764 00:43:44,404 --> 00:43:47,537 you couldn't, on purpose, make one for yourself. 765 00:43:55,023 --> 00:43:56,938 Fran, 766 00:43:56,982 --> 00:43:58,897 this is gonna sound weird, but there's something I've got to tell you. 767 00:43:58,940 --> 00:44:00,028 Hmm? 768 00:44:01,682 --> 00:44:03,031 It's about someone we both know. 769 00:44:03,075 --> 00:44:05,207 -Yeah. -A mutual friend. 770 00:44:06,121 --> 00:44:07,253 -It's just... -Hi. 771 00:44:14,608 --> 00:44:16,044 -[Fran] Stop! -[tires screech] 772 00:44:16,088 --> 00:44:17,350 [Jake grunts] 773 00:44:17,393 --> 00:44:18,873 [Fran] Oh, no. 774 00:44:18,917 --> 00:44:20,353 -[Jason] Go on, get out! Grab him! -They've killed him! 775 00:44:20,396 --> 00:44:23,486 [Monica] Drive! Drive, you bloody idiot! Drive! 776 00:44:24,183 --> 00:44:25,401 [Fran] Bastard! 777 00:44:26,446 --> 00:44:27,403 [voice echoing] Is he okay? 778 00:44:28,448 --> 00:44:29,449 Someone call an ambulance. 779 00:44:33,627 --> 00:44:37,675 [Justine] It was instant, like an emotional cattle prod. 780 00:44:37,718 --> 00:44:40,939 First sight, and my barcode went boing. 781 00:44:40,982 --> 00:44:43,811 He's the one. He's my jigsaw piece. 782 00:44:43,855 --> 00:44:46,684 If God gave me an Identi-kit, I couldn't build a better man. 783 00:44:48,555 --> 00:44:52,602 Perfect. Makes my eggs ache. 784 00:44:52,646 --> 00:44:55,170 I did tell you. Fran has an eye. 785 00:44:55,214 --> 00:44:57,695 -[chuckles] -Are you family? 786 00:44:57,738 --> 00:45:00,698 -Not yet. -Well, then, get out. No visitors. 787 00:45:00,741 --> 00:45:01,786 [Fran scoffs] 788 00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:07,748 [Chas] This is so amazing. 789 00:45:07,792 --> 00:45:09,663 This is so bad. There's two of us. 790 00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:12,187 -[Chas] There's two of you. -She didn't disappear. I didn't disappear. 791 00:45:12,231 --> 00:45:14,233 I mean... So, who am I? 792 00:45:14,276 --> 00:45:16,322 -What am I? -RIT. 793 00:45:17,366 --> 00:45:19,151 Reality Interface Transference. 794 00:45:19,194 --> 00:45:21,153 Whoa, it's incredible. 795 00:45:21,196 --> 00:45:23,155 It doesn't happen. 796 00:45:23,198 --> 00:45:25,418 -It's just a theory. -It's a nightmare. 797 00:45:25,461 --> 00:45:27,159 I don't even know if I exist. 798 00:45:27,202 --> 00:45:30,031 I'm not her changed into me. But am I a part of her? 799 00:45:30,075 --> 00:45:31,729 Can I go back to being all of her? 800 00:45:31,772 --> 00:45:34,427 Is she running around with a big piece missing? 801 00:45:34,470 --> 00:45:37,125 Listen to me, I'm already calling her "her." She's me. 802 00:45:37,169 --> 00:45:39,084 Now, she thinks I'm just a bloody barcode. 803 00:45:39,127 --> 00:45:41,608 He's like Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, 804 00:45:41,651 --> 00:45:45,177 and that gorgeous goalie from Portugal rolled into one, 805 00:45:45,220 --> 00:45:47,135 to the power of ten. 806 00:45:47,179 --> 00:45:49,964 Chas, you've got to help me before those girls do something stupid. 807 00:45:50,008 --> 00:45:51,966 -We need a plan. -Yeah. 808 00:45:52,793 --> 00:45:55,013 Hey, spandex. 809 00:45:55,056 --> 00:45:57,450 -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Red spandex. 810 00:45:57,493 --> 00:45:59,060 -No, not red. Not red. -It's got to be red. 811 00:45:59,104 --> 00:46:00,235 No way! 812 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:32,702 [man] Lovely ripe melons! Come and get your melons! 813 00:46:32,746 --> 00:46:35,096 I have never known spandex to fail. 814 00:46:35,140 --> 00:46:37,229 I mean, spandex never fails. 815 00:46:37,272 --> 00:46:38,708 He's a Sagittarius, right? 816 00:46:38,752 --> 00:46:40,623 So, according to this, he likes his women 817 00:46:40,667 --> 00:46:44,236 bright, engaging, vivacious, curvaceous, and... 818 00:46:45,106 --> 00:46:46,064 That's it. 819 00:46:58,641 --> 00:47:00,034 What does that say to you? 820 00:47:02,210 --> 00:47:04,343 He's desperate? 821 00:47:05,779 --> 00:47:07,781 [Jake] She's, like, immune to rejection. 822 00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,914 See, with a bloke, when he gets the slightest whiff of rejection, 823 00:47:09,957 --> 00:47:12,220 then he's off, tail so far between his legs, he'll limp. 824 00:47:12,264 --> 00:47:14,788 But a girl, it's like lighter fuel on a barbecue. 825 00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,268 A girl's not going to take no for an answer 826 00:47:16,311 --> 00:47:17,965 if she's sure that she and he are meant to be 827 00:47:18,009 --> 00:47:20,750 because she knows he's not in touch with his feelings. 828 00:47:20,794 --> 00:47:23,753 See, Justine thinks she knows more about me than I do. 829 00:47:23,797 --> 00:47:25,016 [players chattering indistinctly] 830 00:47:25,059 --> 00:47:26,365 [Jake] She doesn't even know that she is me. 831 00:47:27,279 --> 00:47:28,758 Hoover's been asking after you. 832 00:47:28,802 --> 00:47:30,021 Oh, Christ, this is horrible. 833 00:47:30,064 --> 00:47:32,110 Yeah, right. 834 00:47:32,153 --> 00:47:34,547 Two of the highest rated babes in modern history fancy you. 835 00:47:34,590 --> 00:47:35,635 Must be murder. 836 00:47:37,071 --> 00:47:38,203 What do you mean, two babes? 837 00:47:38,246 --> 00:47:39,944 [Chas] Hoover and Justine. 838 00:47:39,987 --> 00:47:41,249 Justine's a babe? 839 00:47:43,338 --> 00:47:44,513 I'm a babe? 840 00:47:44,557 --> 00:47:46,472 [man] Where's the bloody linesman? 841 00:47:46,515 --> 00:47:49,040 [woman] White witchcraft can only be used for good. 842 00:47:51,042 --> 00:47:53,609 If the man whose love you seek is meant for you, 843 00:47:53,653 --> 00:47:56,656 white witchcraft can open his eyes. 844 00:47:56,699 --> 00:47:58,397 -But if he's wrong... -He's right. 845 00:48:00,268 --> 00:48:03,619 You'll need a lock of his hair, and a jar of his morning breath. 846 00:48:05,621 --> 00:48:07,058 [upbeat dance music playing] 847 00:48:10,148 --> 00:48:11,889 Lads' night out. I love it! 848 00:48:15,457 --> 00:48:17,982 When are we gonna dance? 849 00:48:18,025 --> 00:48:19,418 You know, you really should wear your hair back. 850 00:48:19,461 --> 00:48:21,159 A blob of gel would make all the difference, 851 00:48:21,202 --> 00:48:23,074 make your face look, I don't know, so much more... 852 00:48:23,117 --> 00:48:25,293 -Don't do that. -Okay, okay, sorry. 853 00:48:25,337 --> 00:48:26,904 Hey, Alex, when are we gonna dance? 854 00:48:36,565 --> 00:48:38,045 [woman scoffs] 855 00:48:38,089 --> 00:48:39,351 [Fran] I don't think his empty pint pot 856 00:48:39,394 --> 00:48:41,353 is the same as a jar of his morning breath. 857 00:48:41,396 --> 00:48:43,921 [Justine] I have every faith this will work. 858 00:48:43,964 --> 00:48:47,533 I have every faith this will work. 859 00:48:47,576 --> 00:48:52,842 Into a flame of beeswax and myrrh that burns in the oxygen of his breath. 860 00:48:52,886 --> 00:48:55,106 Introduce strands of his hair, 861 00:48:55,149 --> 00:48:59,284 and an image of myself crafted in rice paper. 862 00:49:01,242 --> 00:49:03,418 [people cheering] 863 00:49:16,127 --> 00:49:17,519 We just stand and drink all night? 864 00:49:17,563 --> 00:49:19,130 We don't dance? 865 00:49:19,173 --> 00:49:20,914 When the slow ones come on, then you can try and cop off. 866 00:49:20,958 --> 00:49:22,002 Are you serious? 867 00:49:22,046 --> 00:49:24,396 You ask a girl to dance, and she says no. 868 00:49:24,439 --> 00:49:27,268 Just say you weren't really asking, you were only taking the piss. 869 00:49:27,312 --> 00:49:29,575 Dancing, you get your hand on the ass of a girl, 870 00:49:29,618 --> 00:49:33,231 if she don't move it, you're in, guaranteed. 871 00:49:33,274 --> 00:49:35,059 Don't offer to buy her mates a drink. 872 00:49:35,102 --> 00:49:38,627 They'll take advantage, order double Malibus, cost you a fortune. 873 00:49:38,671 --> 00:49:40,629 Don't sing to the record. 874 00:49:40,673 --> 00:49:43,154 Make sure she's facing away from her mates. 875 00:49:43,197 --> 00:49:45,025 Try talking dirty. 876 00:49:45,069 --> 00:49:48,072 Have a wank before you dance, else you'll get a stiffy. 877 00:50:29,852 --> 00:50:33,465 This can work straight away or there can be a time trigger factor. 878 00:50:35,119 --> 00:50:37,251 Look, it's working. 879 00:50:37,295 --> 00:50:39,732 Go on, get in there, girl, while he's under the influence. 880 00:50:39,775 --> 00:50:43,823 Ask him to dance. Go on, get in there, girl. 881 00:50:45,781 --> 00:50:47,522 Hi, Jake, you wanna dance? 882 00:50:47,566 --> 00:50:50,047 [Jake moaning] 883 00:50:55,269 --> 00:50:58,751 Sharon the sorceress said my power might confuse him. 884 00:50:58,794 --> 00:51:01,797 And she also said that cat spittle was precious. 885 00:51:01,841 --> 00:51:05,149 Look, I hate to be the one who has to tell you this, 886 00:51:05,192 --> 00:51:08,108 but sooner or later, you've got to admit defeat. 887 00:51:08,152 --> 00:51:11,807 Remember, you were going to wait for a guy to whisk you off on a magic carpet, 888 00:51:11,851 --> 00:51:15,028 not go out and stalk one with bags of compost sewn into your knickers. 889 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:17,639 It's a very a rare type of leaf mold, actually. 890 00:51:17,683 --> 00:51:18,727 [chuckles] 891 00:51:18,771 --> 00:51:20,425 What is it about Hoover? 892 00:51:20,468 --> 00:51:23,080 -Do you feel it when she looks at you? -She doesn't. 893 00:51:23,123 --> 00:51:26,387 I had a lump in my throat, and then I felt my willie start to, you know... 894 00:51:26,431 --> 00:51:30,130 It was like it had a life of its own. I could feel it pulsating. 895 00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:32,567 Sharon said the dazed thing was a really good sign. 896 00:51:32,611 --> 00:51:36,049 -You just rang Sharon? -Well, part of the deal is a mid-spell helpline. 897 00:51:36,093 --> 00:51:39,444 -[gasps] -So, Sharon suggested a new chanting and potion package. 898 00:51:39,487 --> 00:51:41,968 In all those years Hoover and I did nutritional science together, 899 00:51:42,011 --> 00:51:44,057 you know, I just thought she was a pain. 900 00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:47,060 I kept thinking of her as a real waste of space. 901 00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:48,453 Now, I just keep thinking of her... 902 00:51:49,367 --> 00:51:50,759 I keep thinking of her naked. 903 00:51:55,808 --> 00:51:58,332 Jake's either gay, or else he's got the hots for Hoover. 904 00:51:58,376 --> 00:52:00,291 She's certainly got the hots for him. 905 00:52:00,334 --> 00:52:02,075 -Hoover has? -Mmm. 906 00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:04,338 Nah, he's too classy to fall for her methods. 907 00:52:04,382 --> 00:52:07,385 She just offered to show him the washing instructions on her duvet. 908 00:52:07,428 --> 00:52:08,821 [chuckles] 909 00:52:08,864 --> 00:52:10,736 He's way above all that. 910 00:52:27,231 --> 00:52:31,496 [screams] No! 911 00:52:36,718 --> 00:52:38,155 [melancholy music playing] 912 00:53:26,855 --> 00:53:27,900 [whistle blows] 913 00:53:33,166 --> 00:53:34,907 [whistle blows] 914 00:53:34,950 --> 00:53:36,865 [all shouting and chattering indistinctly] 915 00:53:39,216 --> 00:53:42,697 Oi, Alex, mate, there's a bird outside who wants to speak to you about me. 916 00:53:42,741 --> 00:53:46,832 [shouting indistinctly] 917 00:53:46,875 --> 00:53:50,314 [Alex] No girl's ever asked me how to cop off with another bloke before. 918 00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:55,449 -Usually, they want to cop off with me. -I did. 919 00:53:55,493 --> 00:53:57,364 I mean, I used to. Then, I met Jake. 920 00:53:57,408 --> 00:53:59,192 Oh, he's a right poof. 921 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:00,324 He's going out with Hoover. 922 00:54:01,412 --> 00:54:02,804 No. 923 00:54:02,848 --> 00:54:05,067 I need to know what she's got I haven't. 924 00:54:05,111 --> 00:54:06,417 Jake's going out with Hoover? 925 00:54:07,505 --> 00:54:08,549 Bastard. 926 00:54:08,593 --> 00:54:10,812 Why can she get any bloke? 927 00:54:10,856 --> 00:54:12,684 Who, Hoover? 928 00:54:12,727 --> 00:54:15,991 Well, she's the Sierra Cosworth of babes, isn't she? 929 00:54:16,035 --> 00:54:18,516 High performance, great handling, 930 00:54:18,559 --> 00:54:21,606 universally recognized as a goer of the first order. 931 00:54:22,868 --> 00:54:24,304 She's got pedigree. 932 00:54:24,348 --> 00:54:27,307 So, what, he thinks that Hoover makes him look good? 933 00:54:27,351 --> 00:54:30,484 Yeah, for sure. Mister-Lover-Lover- Stud-You-Like. 934 00:54:32,094 --> 00:54:33,139 And me? 935 00:54:35,837 --> 00:54:38,797 Rumor has it, you're not out of the box yet. 936 00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,408 What rumor? Has Jake ever talked about me? 937 00:54:41,452 --> 00:54:44,411 Did Jake say that he thought that I was virgin? 938 00:54:44,455 --> 00:54:46,848 Well, I wouldn't like to say exactly what he said, you know. 939 00:54:47,806 --> 00:54:49,286 Code of honor and all that. 940 00:54:50,852 --> 00:54:52,985 Do you think he'd fancy me if I wasn't a virgin? 941 00:54:55,248 --> 00:55:00,340 Well, basically, it would depend on who you've done it with. 942 00:55:00,384 --> 00:55:03,735 You'd have to have done the deed with a bloke who had pedigree himself. 943 00:55:03,778 --> 00:55:05,127 A bloke with caliber. 944 00:55:07,042 --> 00:55:08,305 Go on, son, knob it. 945 00:55:16,617 --> 00:55:18,184 -[dildo whirring] -Oh! 946 00:55:22,057 --> 00:55:23,058 Sorry. 947 00:55:29,282 --> 00:55:31,719 Pina colada, passion fruit, banana, Swiss chocolate, 948 00:55:31,763 --> 00:55:33,068 rum n' raisin, smokey bacon... 949 00:55:33,112 --> 00:55:34,592 [groans] Smokey bacon? 950 00:55:39,423 --> 00:55:41,729 [gasps] God. What are you doing here? 951 00:55:41,773 --> 00:55:44,471 -What are you? -Oh, like it's any of your business. 952 00:55:44,515 --> 00:55:47,256 I just thought you should be aware the whole sixth form, most of the lower school, 953 00:55:47,300 --> 00:55:49,650 Newsroom South East know you're planning to sleep with Alex. 954 00:55:49,694 --> 00:55:51,696 Why should I be the only one without a sex life? 955 00:55:51,739 --> 00:55:53,828 -But with Alex? -I thought he was your hero. 956 00:55:53,872 --> 00:55:55,352 I thought he was a big, big mate. 957 00:55:55,395 --> 00:55:57,615 [mimicking Alex] Good man, Chas. Yeah, good man. Yeah. 958 00:55:57,658 --> 00:56:01,575 Justine, it's just something you shouldn't rush into. 959 00:56:01,619 --> 00:56:04,926 [chuckles] Well, by all accounts, you certainly haven't. 960 00:56:04,970 --> 00:56:06,885 You should take some time to think about it. 961 00:56:06,928 --> 00:56:09,104 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard the speech a trillion times 962 00:56:09,148 --> 00:56:13,370 from my mom, from Fran, the whole Moral Majority conspiracy. 963 00:56:13,413 --> 00:56:14,936 "You don't want to look back and regret it. 964 00:56:14,980 --> 00:56:17,722 Save it for someone special." Blah, blah, blah. 965 00:56:17,765 --> 00:56:20,507 If I listen to you lot, I'll end up on Ricki Lake 966 00:56:20,551 --> 00:56:22,640 in the "I waited so long it grew over" show. 967 00:56:23,945 --> 00:56:25,120 So, super stud, 968 00:56:25,164 --> 00:56:28,123 [gasps] I think I fancy a French tickler. 969 00:56:28,167 --> 00:56:30,169 -And a lube tube. -Justine. 970 00:56:30,212 --> 00:56:32,737 I know this is just some sort of reaction thing to Jake. 971 00:56:32,780 --> 00:56:35,479 Jake. As far as I'm concerned, that boy's history. 972 00:56:35,522 --> 00:56:38,786 What I need now is a nurse's uniform, 973 00:56:38,830 --> 00:56:42,050 some handcuffs, and a cock ring. 974 00:56:42,094 --> 00:56:44,618 -Blimey, what's a cock ring? -Justine... 975 00:56:44,662 --> 00:56:47,099 -Some lemon meringue nipple arouser. -Justine. 976 00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:50,102 Jake is you. 977 00:56:50,145 --> 00:56:51,843 -[scoffs] -You invented him. 978 00:56:51,886 --> 00:56:53,540 He's your perfect man, remember? 979 00:56:54,933 --> 00:56:56,369 Remember the expo you went to with me? 980 00:56:57,849 --> 00:57:00,329 Oh, God. God, those awful machines. 981 00:57:00,373 --> 00:57:03,245 Those anoraks. A sea of little anoraks. 982 00:57:03,289 --> 00:57:04,986 Remember the Narcissus machine? 983 00:57:06,510 --> 00:57:09,338 [scoffs] No, I don't. 984 00:57:09,382 --> 00:57:12,124 -Sad boy stuff. -You went into a machine, designed your perfect man, 985 00:57:12,167 --> 00:57:14,213 then something went wrong. 986 00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:17,390 Look, what I do with my body is my business, okay? 987 00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:19,261 Just bug off! 988 00:57:19,305 --> 00:57:21,307 Something went wrong with the machine. 989 00:57:21,350 --> 00:57:23,222 A bit of you broke off and got stuck inside. 990 00:57:23,265 --> 00:57:25,311 -Not something you brought here, I trust? -What? 991 00:57:26,573 --> 00:57:28,357 Justine, I know you remember. 992 00:57:29,837 --> 00:57:32,100 I know this isn't you. 993 00:57:32,144 --> 00:57:35,234 We offer a free gift for every purchase over £20. 994 00:57:35,277 --> 00:57:40,021 Your choices are a nipple piercing voucher or a marzipan muff glove. 995 00:57:40,065 --> 00:57:43,155 This bloody is me. You know nothing. You don't know me. 996 00:57:43,198 --> 00:57:44,678 I'll make it the muff glove, then. 997 00:57:48,377 --> 00:57:52,599 Justine, what's happened to you is called Reality Interface Transference. 998 00:57:52,643 --> 00:57:55,297 -Theoretically, the pixelated... -Oi, shut up! I'm sick of it. 999 00:57:55,341 --> 00:57:58,605 I'm sick of your pathetic Star Trekfantasy shit! 1000 00:57:58,649 --> 00:58:00,259 Grow up, for Christ's sake. 1001 00:58:00,302 --> 00:58:02,696 Even if you just enter adolescence, that would be a start. 1002 00:58:02,740 --> 00:58:05,133 It doesn't matter what you say to me. 1003 00:58:05,177 --> 00:58:07,440 All that matters is you don't go and do something you regret. 1004 00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,921 Why should I listen to you? I've made up my mind. 1005 00:58:09,964 --> 00:58:14,186 Chas, look around you. Everybody's growing up. It's scary, I know. 1006 00:58:14,229 --> 00:58:16,884 It's even more scary when it's not happening to you. 1007 00:58:16,928 --> 00:58:19,017 Don't try and hold everyone else back. 1008 00:58:19,060 --> 00:58:22,237 Look at yourself, Chas. Your anorak, your stupid computer games. 1009 00:58:22,281 --> 00:58:25,502 I mean, what woman is ever going to want to sleep with you, huh? 1010 00:58:53,181 --> 00:58:55,183 With Alex? Bad choice. 1011 00:58:57,229 --> 00:58:59,057 Bad choice? That's it? 1012 00:58:59,100 --> 00:59:00,580 Calm down. Don't get so worked up. 1013 00:59:01,450 --> 00:59:03,409 I know Justine, remember? 1014 00:59:03,452 --> 00:59:06,760 She won't go through with it. Her standards are way too high. 1015 00:59:06,804 --> 00:59:09,589 She wants wooing, the whole magic carpet treatment. 1016 00:59:09,633 --> 00:59:11,373 Alex isn't up for all that. 1017 00:59:11,417 --> 00:59:14,202 So why has she just bought £40's worth of condoms and sex toys? 1018 00:59:16,117 --> 00:59:18,859 She's desperate, wants to make you jealous. 1019 00:59:18,903 --> 00:59:21,122 Thinks shagging Alex will make you want her. 1020 00:59:22,994 --> 00:59:25,474 -Dumb plan. -Yeah. 1021 00:59:25,518 --> 00:59:27,433 Well, I've had it with you two, both of you. 1022 00:59:27,476 --> 00:59:29,217 Now I wash my hands of it all. 1023 00:59:29,261 --> 00:59:31,306 If she wants to shag Alex, she's welcome. 1024 00:59:37,008 --> 00:59:38,139 We've got to stop her. 1025 00:59:44,058 --> 00:59:45,016 You've got to stop her. 1026 00:59:49,237 --> 00:59:51,065 Somewhere inside, you are her. 1027 00:59:52,545 --> 00:59:54,155 You've got to know how to stop her. 1028 00:59:54,199 --> 00:59:55,461 [melancholy music playing] 1029 00:59:59,334 --> 01:00:01,598 ♪ It's dark in here ♪ 1030 01:00:03,469 --> 01:00:06,733 ♪ Visions are flashing into my head ♪ 1031 01:00:06,777 --> 01:00:12,652 ♪ As I reminisce my reoccurring dreams ♪ 1032 01:00:12,696 --> 01:00:19,441 ♪ And you said, "I'm falling, falling for you babe ♪ 1033 01:00:19,485 --> 01:00:22,444 ♪ My feelings are getting stronger" ♪ 1034 01:00:22,488 --> 01:00:28,233 ♪ So why don't you stay with me for a little longer ♪ 1035 01:00:30,714 --> 01:00:33,064 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1036 01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:37,068 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1037 01:00:38,156 --> 01:00:40,419 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1038 01:00:41,725 --> 01:00:44,249 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1039 01:00:45,424 --> 01:00:49,036 ♪ I know that my face ♪ 1040 01:00:49,080 --> 01:00:53,084 ♪ Is only too familiar to your sleep ♪ 1041 01:00:53,127 --> 01:00:55,913 ♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪ 1042 01:00:55,956 --> 01:00:58,829 ♪ And I can tell by your body heat ♪ 1043 01:01:00,787 --> 01:01:03,007 ♪ Why are you taking so long? ♪ 1044 01:01:03,050 --> 01:01:06,837 ♪ You need me to come and find you, honey? ♪ 1045 01:01:08,099 --> 01:01:10,667 ♪ Set your mind at rest ♪ 1046 01:01:10,710 --> 01:01:13,931 ♪ Let your dreams run free ♪ 1047 01:01:13,974 --> 01:01:14,932 Jake... 1048 01:01:16,281 --> 01:01:18,500 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1049 01:01:19,850 --> 01:01:21,939 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1050 01:01:23,592 --> 01:01:25,986 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1051 01:01:27,292 --> 01:01:29,990 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1052 01:01:30,904 --> 01:01:32,906 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1053 01:01:34,560 --> 01:01:36,910 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1054 01:01:38,216 --> 01:01:40,218 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1055 01:01:41,828 --> 01:01:44,091 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1056 01:01:45,484 --> 01:01:47,529 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1057 01:01:47,573 --> 01:01:49,531 [TV reporter] Well, a Liverpool scientist believes that 1058 01:01:49,575 --> 01:01:52,447 a woman is at her most alluring when she's most fertile. 1059 01:01:56,364 --> 01:01:59,019 ♪ Come here boy ♪ 1060 01:02:00,238 --> 01:02:01,630 [doorbell buzzing] 1061 01:02:06,984 --> 01:02:09,987 [Lucy] Justine! It's Alex! 1062 01:02:20,432 --> 01:02:21,955 Hubba, hubba. 1063 01:02:24,305 --> 01:02:26,090 Topmost totty. 1064 01:02:41,192 --> 01:02:42,671 [upbeat romantic music playing] 1065 01:03:22,146 --> 01:03:23,147 [laughs] 1066 01:04:23,598 --> 01:04:27,689 ♪ I'm your private dancer Dancer for money ♪ 1067 01:04:27,733 --> 01:04:30,867 ♪ I'll do what you want me to ♪ 1068 01:05:13,518 --> 01:05:16,173 [gasps] Wow. 1069 01:05:21,482 --> 01:05:24,833 This is the most romantic night of my entire life. 1070 01:05:27,401 --> 01:05:29,490 It's so perfect. 1071 01:05:29,534 --> 01:05:31,710 -I know. -What? 1072 01:05:33,277 --> 01:05:35,279 It's too perfect, isn't it? 1073 01:05:35,322 --> 01:05:38,543 Every detail's too good. 1074 01:05:38,586 --> 01:05:42,460 No, no, it's magnificent. You're magnificent. 1075 01:05:42,503 --> 01:05:44,897 It's just weird, that's all. 1076 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,551 -It's like you've read my mind. -Read my mind. 1077 01:05:46,594 --> 01:05:48,509 -[chuckles] -I have. 1078 01:05:50,990 --> 01:05:53,601 -It's like, you know everything I'm thinking. -Everything I'm thinking. 1079 01:05:54,863 --> 01:05:56,343 [both] Even before I've thought it. 1080 01:05:58,476 --> 01:06:00,652 [inhales and exhales forcefully] 1081 01:06:00,695 --> 01:06:01,870 It's like you've... 1082 01:06:01,914 --> 01:06:03,872 [both] Been inside my head and taken notes. 1083 01:06:06,701 --> 01:06:07,702 Who are you? 1084 01:06:08,877 --> 01:06:10,096 Justine, it's okay. 1085 01:06:10,967 --> 01:06:12,272 It's no big deal. 1086 01:06:14,057 --> 01:06:17,408 It's weird, but it's okay. 1087 01:06:17,451 --> 01:06:18,800 It's like what Chas was trying to tell you 1088 01:06:18,844 --> 01:06:20,977 before you scythed through his fragile manhood. 1089 01:06:24,197 --> 01:06:25,546 I am you. 1090 01:06:27,461 --> 01:06:28,593 You invented me. 1091 01:06:37,123 --> 01:06:38,516 I was trying not to hurt you. 1092 01:06:40,344 --> 01:06:42,824 I didn't know what to do. I mean... 1093 01:06:42,868 --> 01:06:44,565 Well, how do you tell someone something like that? 1094 01:06:44,609 --> 01:06:48,134 Oh, this is great. This is so great. 1095 01:06:48,178 --> 01:06:51,268 [sighs] At last, I think I'm getting somewhere. 1096 01:06:51,311 --> 01:06:53,835 The man of my dreams starts acting like one, and then... 1097 01:06:53,879 --> 01:06:57,839 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! 1098 01:06:57,883 --> 01:07:01,887 Then, he goes and tells me he's a product of my imagination. 1099 01:07:02,714 --> 01:07:03,715 [both scream] 1100 01:07:05,630 --> 01:07:06,805 [Justine] Shit! 1101 01:07:06,848 --> 01:07:08,024 [reel whirring] 1102 01:07:10,765 --> 01:07:11,766 Jake! 1103 01:07:22,690 --> 01:07:23,822 -[tires screech] -[van revs] 1104 01:07:34,180 --> 01:07:35,138 Where is he? 1105 01:07:39,185 --> 01:07:40,143 What's this? 1106 01:07:41,622 --> 01:07:44,234 An identity tag off a computer arcade machine. 1107 01:07:45,148 --> 01:07:46,801 Who's Narcissus? 1108 01:07:46,845 --> 01:07:50,022 The wrong answer could cost you the prospect of fatherhood! 1109 01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:53,243 An electronics company who manufacture a cosmetic makeover machine. 1110 01:07:54,940 --> 01:07:56,246 Makeover? 1111 01:07:56,289 --> 01:07:59,118 What you said about me creating Jake was true? 1112 01:07:59,988 --> 01:08:01,990 Far as I know, yes. 1113 01:08:02,034 --> 01:08:03,949 You mean that Jake... 1114 01:08:03,992 --> 01:08:07,866 That thing is running around with me... With my... 1115 01:08:07,909 --> 01:08:11,217 My what, my soul inside him? 1116 01:08:11,261 --> 01:08:13,828 [man chattering indistinctly on TV] 1117 01:08:13,872 --> 01:08:15,613 [Justine muffled] This is all a plot, isn't it? 1118 01:08:15,656 --> 01:08:17,919 You and your computer freak friends get some sort of sick pleasure 1119 01:08:17,963 --> 01:08:19,399 out of making me feel like Sigourney Weaver, 1120 01:08:19,443 --> 01:08:21,314 like some alien's about to come bursting out my bum. 1121 01:08:22,489 --> 01:08:23,882 I was gagging for him. 1122 01:08:23,925 --> 01:08:26,319 I really thought he was my... 1123 01:08:26,363 --> 01:08:29,061 I could have... I would have... 1124 01:08:29,105 --> 01:08:31,672 [groans] If I had, it would have been, like, the worst sort of incest, 1125 01:08:31,716 --> 01:08:35,023 -It would have been... -Look, we'll find the Narcissus people. 1126 01:08:35,067 --> 01:08:38,244 -Then, we'll take Jake around to them and... -They've already got him. 1127 01:08:41,334 --> 01:08:43,728 [Jason] I thought we were just going to ask him a few questions, 1128 01:08:43,771 --> 01:08:45,599 do a test or two. 1129 01:08:45,643 --> 01:08:49,473 There may not be time. He could decompose, dematerialize. Who knows? 1130 01:08:50,865 --> 01:08:52,389 What's that? 1131 01:08:52,432 --> 01:08:56,567 Dihydrothriptamazine. Subconscious paint stripper. 1132 01:08:56,610 --> 01:08:58,612 We need to understand how he's bolted together 1133 01:08:58,656 --> 01:09:00,614 if we're ever to recreate the process. 1134 01:09:02,486 --> 01:09:04,836 It won't do any damage, will it? Upstairs? 1135 01:09:04,879 --> 01:09:06,751 [sighs] 1136 01:09:06,794 --> 01:09:09,232 Science can be cruel. 1137 01:09:09,275 --> 01:09:13,453 But we need to assess how much female is left in his memory. 1138 01:09:14,715 --> 01:09:16,195 Though, to be honest, 1139 01:09:17,370 --> 01:09:20,025 it's not his brain I'm interested in. 1140 01:09:23,942 --> 01:09:25,378 [squeals] 1141 01:09:25,422 --> 01:09:27,554 [screams] 1142 01:09:27,598 --> 01:09:29,687 -[gasps] Shit. -What? 1143 01:09:31,297 --> 01:09:32,429 What's happening to me? 1144 01:09:34,257 --> 01:09:35,214 I'll get it sorted. 1145 01:09:36,259 --> 01:09:37,216 I promise. 1146 01:09:42,221 --> 01:09:44,441 -[keyboard clacking] -I'm sorry what I said about you. 1147 01:09:45,398 --> 01:09:46,834 I mean, stuff about... 1148 01:09:47,748 --> 01:09:51,056 You know, no woman ever... 1149 01:09:51,099 --> 01:09:52,623 I'll boot up and input the serial number. 1150 01:09:53,798 --> 01:09:56,235 [keyboard clacking] 1151 01:09:56,279 --> 01:09:57,802 -I didn't mean it. -[computer beeping] 1152 01:09:58,368 --> 01:10:00,892 I was just... 1153 01:10:00,935 --> 01:10:03,242 Once we've got the number match, we'll get an address. 1154 01:10:07,507 --> 01:10:08,987 Can I have a hug? 1155 01:10:10,641 --> 01:10:11,685 What? 1156 01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:16,081 Doesn't matter. 1157 01:10:29,877 --> 01:10:31,662 She's been up there a long time. 1158 01:10:32,880 --> 01:10:34,186 It's gone very quiet. 1159 01:10:35,100 --> 01:10:37,102 He's got a girl in his room. 1160 01:10:37,145 --> 01:10:41,062 With a bag, a sack of condoms. 1161 01:10:41,106 --> 01:10:43,456 -Flavored ones. -[both laugh] 1162 01:10:43,500 --> 01:10:44,849 [computer trilling and beeping] 1163 01:10:48,069 --> 01:10:49,157 [grunts] 1164 01:10:56,121 --> 01:10:58,428 [Monica] The obvious parts of his body that are not female 1165 01:10:58,471 --> 01:11:01,126 may or may not function normally in a male sense. 1166 01:11:01,169 --> 01:11:02,562 Well, how are you gonna test that? 1167 01:11:02,606 --> 01:11:05,739 [sighs] Electrical impulses of varying voltage. 1168 01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:09,700 -[groans and screams] -[Justine screams] 1169 01:11:13,921 --> 01:11:16,272 [Chas whimpering] 1170 01:11:17,185 --> 01:11:18,361 Another spasm? 1171 01:11:18,404 --> 01:11:20,580 Jesus. God. Shit! 1172 01:11:20,624 --> 01:11:23,583 Shit! That felt like... That was like... Someone... 1173 01:11:26,151 --> 01:11:27,413 That's their van! 1174 01:11:42,776 --> 01:11:45,736 You know, this is already trespass with intent. 1175 01:11:45,779 --> 01:11:46,954 We could be in a lot of trouble. 1176 01:11:46,998 --> 01:11:48,391 -[people cheering nearby] -[Justine shushes] 1177 01:11:51,742 --> 01:11:53,178 [Jake groaning] 1178 01:11:53,221 --> 01:11:55,223 [Monica] The images show he has a recurring dream 1179 01:11:55,267 --> 01:11:58,444 about being a female warrior called Marlin. 1180 01:11:58,488 --> 01:12:01,447 [Jason] This is epic. We are so in the big time. 1181 01:12:01,491 --> 01:12:04,450 [Monica] There's some pretty weird stuff about a pony. 1182 01:12:04,494 --> 01:12:06,147 [horse neighing] 1183 01:12:06,191 --> 01:12:08,889 [Justine] Christ, what are they doing to him? 1184 01:12:08,933 --> 01:12:10,674 To me. 1185 01:12:10,717 --> 01:12:12,110 I'll make a diversion. 1186 01:12:12,153 --> 01:12:14,591 You climb down the rope and get him to the car. 1187 01:12:14,634 --> 01:12:16,767 I'm the school nerd, remember? 1188 01:12:16,810 --> 01:12:19,160 People make fun of my clothes. 1189 01:12:19,204 --> 01:12:21,162 Okay. Can you make a diversion? 1190 01:12:22,163 --> 01:12:23,774 Um, all right, all right. 1191 01:13:02,073 --> 01:13:03,988 [grunting] 1192 01:13:14,912 --> 01:13:16,566 [car alarm blaring] 1193 01:13:18,437 --> 01:13:19,612 [Jason] Shit. 1194 01:13:24,704 --> 01:13:27,881 Wow! Nice diversion, Chas. 1195 01:13:27,925 --> 01:13:28,926 Oh, man. 1196 01:13:33,452 --> 01:13:36,673 -[Jason] Who's that? -The little maggot. 1197 01:13:55,779 --> 01:13:56,910 Ah-ha! 1198 01:14:05,658 --> 01:14:06,790 -[electricity crackles] -[Jake grunts] 1199 01:14:10,707 --> 01:14:12,273 [Jake grunting] 1200 01:14:15,146 --> 01:14:17,191 [Jake] Those lovely horses... 1201 01:14:17,235 --> 01:14:19,193 -[Chas] What's the matter with him? -Totally off his face! 1202 01:14:22,501 --> 01:14:24,547 Okay. Okay. Keep calm. 1203 01:14:24,590 --> 01:14:26,723 Isabelle Clarkson Gives Head Between Maths Revision Seminars. 1204 01:14:26,766 --> 01:14:29,334 Ignition, clutch, gear, hand-brake... 1205 01:14:29,377 --> 01:14:31,292 [screaming] 1206 01:14:31,336 --> 01:14:32,337 [Jason grunts] 1207 01:14:33,207 --> 01:14:35,079 Oops. 1208 01:14:35,122 --> 01:14:37,690 -[Jason screams and groans] -[squishing] 1209 01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,302 -[Chas] Gate, gate, gate, gate! -[Justine] I know. 1210 01:14:45,437 --> 01:14:47,439 Oops. [chuckles] 1211 01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,833 -I was a paramedic working on a helicopter rescue squad. -What's he on about? 1212 01:14:49,876 --> 01:14:51,791 [Jake] Brad Pitt was the pilot. We were maneuvering 1213 01:14:51,835 --> 01:14:53,401 -to touch down on the helipad of an oil rig. -What? 1214 01:14:53,445 --> 01:14:55,142 That's a dream. That's my dream. 1215 01:14:55,186 --> 01:14:57,928 Me and Brad in a 999-rescue chopper squad. 1216 01:14:57,971 --> 01:15:01,105 Oil from the rig erupted, and started to gush out all over the place. 1217 01:15:02,280 --> 01:15:04,500 This is so spooky. 1218 01:15:04,543 --> 01:15:07,372 Chas showed me his greenfly larvae under a microscope. 1219 01:15:07,415 --> 01:15:08,416 What? 1220 01:15:09,374 --> 01:15:10,810 You had a dream about me? 1221 01:15:10,854 --> 01:15:12,203 [Justine] Oh, shit! 1222 01:15:14,205 --> 01:15:16,163 You had a dream about me? 1223 01:15:16,207 --> 01:15:19,602 I was a zookeeper and Chas was a famous entomologist. 1224 01:15:21,168 --> 01:15:23,823 Whoa! Maybe I should drive. 1225 01:15:23,867 --> 01:15:27,044 -Why? -It's bloke stuff. My coordination is better. 1226 01:15:27,784 --> 01:15:29,525 Bollocks. 1227 01:15:29,568 --> 01:15:31,527 You're scared of your dad's Volvo, remember? 1228 01:15:31,570 --> 01:15:32,789 Scared of bumping things. 1229 01:15:32,832 --> 01:15:34,094 [Chas yelps] 1230 01:15:36,009 --> 01:15:38,621 That was the old me. Bumping things is good. 1231 01:15:44,714 --> 01:15:46,324 Maybe we should have a frieze. 1232 01:15:46,933 --> 01:15:47,978 [Frank] Hmm. 1233 01:15:51,024 --> 01:15:52,417 Sorry, sorry. 1234 01:15:58,510 --> 01:16:01,687 I don't know how we're gonna get that machine into the house. It weighs a ton. 1235 01:16:01,731 --> 01:16:03,297 We're never gonna be able to lift it in. 1236 01:16:05,822 --> 01:16:07,084 Don't you think we should slow down? 1237 01:16:07,127 --> 01:16:08,128 We could slide it in. 1238 01:16:08,999 --> 01:16:10,566 -Slide? -Slide... 1239 01:16:13,786 --> 01:16:15,179 -Slow down. -Like this. 1240 01:16:16,354 --> 01:16:17,573 -[Chas screams] -[tires squealing] 1241 01:16:20,358 --> 01:16:21,359 [Frank] So, what do you reckon? 1242 01:16:24,318 --> 01:16:25,319 It's really lovely. 1243 01:16:48,125 --> 01:16:50,606 Congratulations, Ms. Parker. You have passed. 1244 01:17:03,444 --> 01:17:05,708 [Jake] Oh, my God, I was having the most amazing dream. 1245 01:17:06,491 --> 01:17:07,492 Where are we? 1246 01:17:08,754 --> 01:17:10,190 Where are my clothes? Why am I naked? 1247 01:17:10,234 --> 01:17:12,671 Oh, goodness, so you are. I hadn't noticed. 1248 01:17:14,499 --> 01:17:15,761 [Frank] Probably something for college. 1249 01:17:15,805 --> 01:17:17,458 [Jackie] Ooh, there's a bit broken off. 1250 01:17:17,502 --> 01:17:19,199 -Hello, love. -[Frank] You all right, Chas? 1251 01:17:19,243 --> 01:17:22,594 Mmm. Frank, any chance of borrowing your soldering iron? 1252 01:17:23,726 --> 01:17:24,944 Yes, of course. 1253 01:17:26,424 --> 01:17:27,425 Uh... 1254 01:17:31,255 --> 01:17:32,778 -Hello. -Hello. 1255 01:17:33,605 --> 01:17:34,867 -Hello. -Hi. 1256 01:17:34,911 --> 01:17:35,868 Hello. 1257 01:18:11,208 --> 01:18:13,732 Yeah, we've got a picture. 1258 01:18:13,776 --> 01:18:16,866 [Justine] I'm so bummed out. I thought I'd found the right one, 1259 01:18:16,909 --> 01:18:19,738 my barcode jigsaw piece. 1260 01:18:19,782 --> 01:18:21,435 Now I've got to start all over again. 1261 01:18:21,479 --> 01:18:23,699 God, girl. Will you give it a rest with the barcode crap? 1262 01:18:25,222 --> 01:18:26,876 I mean, who says there is a right one? 1263 01:18:26,919 --> 01:18:29,400 Books, films, poetry, history. 1264 01:18:29,443 --> 01:18:32,708 -Fran. -Fran? Jesus. 1265 01:18:32,751 --> 01:18:35,972 Look, being a bloke's a laugh-ish. 1266 01:18:36,015 --> 01:18:38,148 Though, God knows I wouldn't want to be one for long. 1267 01:18:38,191 --> 01:18:41,020 Being a girl who lives a doctrine according to Fran is insanity. 1268 01:18:42,456 --> 01:18:43,719 I think... I think it's ready. 1269 01:18:57,602 --> 01:19:00,953 -Are you sure you want to do this? -No, I'm not sure. 1270 01:19:00,997 --> 01:19:04,609 All I know is I'm a non-person. I don't exist. 1271 01:19:04,652 --> 01:19:07,655 I just wanna go back to being me before I forget what being me feels like. 1272 01:19:11,050 --> 01:19:12,008 I'm going to miss you. 1273 01:19:12,660 --> 01:19:13,966 Not necessarily. 1274 01:19:17,230 --> 01:19:18,405 Pull the lever, eagle. 1275 01:19:33,333 --> 01:19:34,334 [computer] Lips. 1276 01:19:36,597 --> 01:19:37,947 Voluptuous. 1277 01:19:40,427 --> 01:19:42,603 Nose. Button. 1278 01:19:44,518 --> 01:19:45,650 Male. 1279 01:19:48,261 --> 01:19:50,742 Body toning selected. 1280 01:19:51,699 --> 01:19:53,789 Resize selected. 1281 01:19:57,880 --> 01:19:58,924 Rugged. 1282 01:20:01,448 --> 01:20:03,668 Blue. Blond. 1283 01:20:06,976 --> 01:20:08,891 Photoreal. 1284 01:20:13,852 --> 01:20:16,637 All right. All you've got to do now is delete. 1285 01:20:18,770 --> 01:20:19,902 [Justine sighs] 1286 01:20:19,945 --> 01:20:22,513 [computer] Save? Delete? Copy? 1287 01:20:26,865 --> 01:20:29,476 Oh, hold on. This is madness. 1288 01:20:29,520 --> 01:20:31,696 You're the most gorgeous guy I've ever met. 1289 01:20:31,739 --> 01:20:35,613 And what? I'm just gonna stab a button and get rid of you? 1290 01:20:35,656 --> 01:20:38,398 This can't be right. Surely. 1291 01:20:38,442 --> 01:20:41,401 I created the most perfect looking guy. 1292 01:20:41,445 --> 01:20:43,099 You still don't get it, do you? 1293 01:20:43,142 --> 01:20:45,971 "Perfect looking guy." 1294 01:20:46,015 --> 01:20:48,844 There's no such thing as the perfect guy. 1295 01:20:48,887 --> 01:20:50,889 Jigsaw piece, barcode, any of that stuff. 1296 01:20:51,803 --> 01:20:53,761 It's all wrong. 1297 01:20:53,805 --> 01:20:56,329 And I'm only perfect because this is what you want me to look like. 1298 01:20:57,678 --> 01:20:59,245 You're not looking for a partner. 1299 01:20:59,289 --> 01:21:03,162 You're looking for an ego extension, 1300 01:21:03,206 --> 01:21:05,121 someone who meets all your criteria. 1301 01:21:06,949 --> 01:21:07,993 Now, push the button. 1302 01:21:08,037 --> 01:21:09,908 [whines] 1303 01:21:09,952 --> 01:21:13,912 It's taken me forever to find a bloke I can even just talk to talk to. 1304 01:21:13,956 --> 01:21:15,305 Talk to Chas. 1305 01:21:16,915 --> 01:21:18,786 I'm not a bloke, not inside. 1306 01:21:18,830 --> 01:21:19,918 I'm you, remember? 1307 01:21:21,267 --> 01:21:23,356 I like being you. 1308 01:21:23,400 --> 01:21:24,531 I just didn't know it at the time. 1309 01:21:27,534 --> 01:21:29,885 That has to be another way. 1310 01:21:29,928 --> 01:21:31,625 Chas, push the button, please. 1311 01:21:32,800 --> 01:21:33,801 I can't. 1312 01:21:35,629 --> 01:21:36,630 I'm on the wrong circuit. 1313 01:21:40,504 --> 01:21:42,723 This is crazy. 1314 01:21:42,767 --> 01:21:46,118 If I get rid of you, I'm right back where I started. 1315 01:21:46,162 --> 01:21:48,338 Exactly. 1316 01:21:48,381 --> 01:21:50,775 Only this time, you can be the Justine you want to be, 1317 01:21:50,818 --> 01:21:53,169 not the Justine you think you need to be. 1318 01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:30,162 -[squeaking noise plays] -[computer] Delete. 1319 01:22:42,348 --> 01:22:43,784 [sighs] 1320 01:22:46,831 --> 01:22:48,137 [melancholy music playing] 1321 01:23:29,613 --> 01:23:32,268 Come on, love, we ain't got time for you to hatch it. 1322 01:23:42,582 --> 01:23:43,931 [all cheer] 1323 01:24:06,171 --> 01:24:07,520 Can I sit down? 1324 01:24:07,564 --> 01:24:08,782 Oh, yeah. 1325 01:24:11,611 --> 01:24:13,048 So, how're you doing? 1326 01:24:13,091 --> 01:24:14,571 I'm fine. Fine. 1327 01:24:14,614 --> 01:24:17,356 -Yeah. No. Good. I'm good. -Good. 1328 01:24:17,400 --> 01:24:20,185 -And you? -Yeah, I'm good. 1329 01:24:20,229 --> 01:24:22,492 Well, no. Fine. [chuckles] Yeah, I'm fine. 1330 01:24:29,412 --> 01:24:31,762 Do you miss him? 1331 01:24:31,805 --> 01:24:35,722 Kind of. But I feel like he's still here. Do you know I mean? 1332 01:24:35,766 --> 01:24:37,942 That sounds stupid. It's just... 1333 01:24:37,985 --> 01:24:42,207 I feel stronger, different. 1334 01:24:42,251 --> 01:24:43,861 Yeah, me too. 1335 01:24:43,904 --> 01:24:47,691 -You know, I did. I just... -Oh, God. Um, look it's Fran. 1336 01:24:50,346 --> 01:24:53,871 All right. Yeah. I'd better get off anyway. 1337 01:24:53,914 --> 01:24:55,002 [both chuckle nervously] 1338 01:24:57,527 --> 01:25:00,530 Yeah, I just wanted to say... Well, it's mad, really. 1339 01:25:00,573 --> 01:25:05,230 It's just that when I'm near, when I see you, I really like... 1340 01:25:05,274 --> 01:25:07,319 -[bus bell dings] -No. This is so stupid. 1341 01:25:10,192 --> 01:25:11,715 I just really like the way you smell. 1342 01:25:16,981 --> 01:25:18,548 Hi. Hi. 1343 01:25:20,593 --> 01:25:22,029 What happened to his anorak? 1344 01:25:23,944 --> 01:25:25,381 I like the way you smell. 1345 01:25:27,644 --> 01:25:29,689 Can you believe anyone would say that? 1346 01:25:32,692 --> 01:25:36,827 When you grow up, don't ever, ever listen to your big brother. 1347 01:25:36,870 --> 01:25:39,438 He'll be the sad bastard everyone crosses the street to avoid. 1348 01:25:40,961 --> 01:25:42,180 [Jackie] We're off to Bonanza. 1349 01:25:42,224 --> 01:25:44,051 Don't keep her awake too long. 1350 01:25:44,095 --> 01:25:47,272 And if Alex has to come around, don't let him smoke Frank's cigars. 1351 01:25:47,316 --> 01:25:48,926 [Frank] Hey, love, have you got my spurs on? 1352 01:25:48,969 --> 01:25:51,885 It's Thursday. Oh, no. Alex. 1353 01:25:52,408 --> 01:25:53,800 [doorbell rings] 1354 01:25:56,629 --> 01:25:58,675 Hi. Alex couldn't make it. 1355 01:25:58,718 --> 01:26:00,372 Can I ask your opinion on something? 1356 01:26:02,374 --> 01:26:03,332 Yeah. 1357 01:26:06,726 --> 01:26:08,511 The question is, 1358 01:26:08,554 --> 01:26:10,165 mouth open or mouth closed? 1359 01:26:11,296 --> 01:26:12,341 What? 1360 01:26:23,743 --> 01:26:25,919 Now, that is lips slightly parted. 1361 01:26:27,356 --> 01:26:29,009 And this is mouth open. 1362 01:26:41,108 --> 01:26:43,154 I just want to know which one's best. 1363 01:26:44,808 --> 01:26:46,157 What was the first one again? 1364 01:26:52,207 --> 01:26:54,470 [Justine] Strange how a little female attention 1365 01:26:54,513 --> 01:26:58,517 can make all the difference to a bloke, no matter how geeky. 1366 01:26:58,561 --> 01:27:01,172 Didn't take any time before Chas did the caterpillar thing. 1367 01:27:01,216 --> 01:27:03,348 You know, shrugged off his ugly old cocoon 1368 01:27:03,392 --> 01:27:06,221 and blossomed into a beautiful butterfly. 1369 01:27:06,264 --> 01:27:08,048 Or is it a moth? 1370 01:27:08,092 --> 01:27:12,052 Anyway, with a bit of practice, Chas got really good at kissing. 1371 01:27:12,096 --> 01:27:16,927 In fact, that boy could snog for Europe. And he got a lot of practice. 1372 01:27:16,970 --> 01:27:19,799 We lasted five months, five great months. 1373 01:27:19,843 --> 01:27:23,586 After me, he practiced Rachel, and Sarah, then Louise. 1374 01:27:23,629 --> 01:27:25,936 He even practiced with slutty Tina. 1375 01:27:28,199 --> 01:27:29,244 [upbeat country song playing] 1376 01:27:29,287 --> 01:27:31,724 ♪ I sent out to a datin' firm ♪ 1377 01:27:31,768 --> 01:27:33,857 ♪ And now I wait So I can learn ♪ 1378 01:27:33,900 --> 01:27:36,294 ♪ If they have What I'm looking for ♪ 1379 01:27:36,338 --> 01:27:39,732 [Justine] Fran, bless her. She devoted her energies to falling hopelessly in love 1380 01:27:39,776 --> 01:27:42,213 with totally inappropriate, totally unavailable men. 1381 01:27:43,345 --> 01:27:45,260 [man whistles] 1382 01:27:45,303 --> 01:27:46,391 And Hoover... 1383 01:27:46,435 --> 01:27:48,872 [objects crashing] 1384 01:27:50,526 --> 01:27:53,050 Well, Hoover just goes on honing her craft. 1385 01:27:54,878 --> 01:27:57,620 As for Alex, now, there's a turner. 1386 01:27:57,663 --> 01:27:59,709 [Lucy singing indistinctly] 1387 01:27:59,752 --> 01:28:02,189 [Justine] Who'd have thought my little sister, Lucy, could tame the beast? 1388 01:28:02,233 --> 01:28:04,540 ♪ ...what you want me to do ♪ 1389 01:28:05,497 --> 01:28:06,672 And me? 1390 01:28:06,716 --> 01:28:09,849 Yeah, well, I did do it with Chas. 1391 01:28:09,893 --> 01:28:12,461 It was kind of about time, and it was good. 1392 01:28:13,157 --> 01:28:14,941 No. It was lovely. 1393 01:28:14,985 --> 01:28:18,380 I mean, I didn't find a mate for life or anything, but that's okay. 1394 01:28:18,423 --> 01:28:20,773 Would've been a bit boring if I had. 1395 01:28:20,817 --> 01:28:22,427 At least, though, when I look back, 1396 01:28:22,471 --> 01:28:25,735 I won't be thinking, "Oh, why did I do it with him?" 1397 01:28:25,778 --> 01:28:27,127 I'll be thinking, 1398 01:28:27,171 --> 01:28:30,087 "Chas. [clicks tongue] Oh, what a sweetheart!" 1399 01:28:32,524 --> 01:28:36,528 ♪ I'm still waiting for love to arrive ♪ 1400 01:28:36,572 --> 01:28:40,706 ♪ The one with The smile in her eyes ♪ 1401 01:28:40,750 --> 01:28:44,884 ♪ The one with The smile in her eyes ♪ 1402 01:28:44,928 --> 01:28:48,714 ♪ The one with The smile in her eyes ♪